Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 11 Jul 06)

Really Bad Signs You'll Never Be a Poet Laureate

You've already got a lock on the title "Lazyass Laureate." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

None of your entries were good enough for the "Out on a Lim" contest. No, wait... All of your entries were good enough for the "Out on a Lim" contest. OK, I guess if you took the time to enter the "Out on a Lim" contest, there's your sign. (astae@paonline.com)

And then there are people like this...

My poetry goes from bard to verse. (tphyll@aol.com) and this...

No rhyme or reason. (maxcel200@aol.com)

You can't seem to avoid ending your lines with the words "orange" or "silver". (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

You are from Vogon. (mikepena@verizon.net) I give this one a 42. (For all of you scratching your heads, you need to read Douglas Adams...NOW!)

You have a slight case of dyslexia, and keep on thinking you're a "brad." (tphyll@aol.com)

Bulwer-Lytton? (scalpel@aol.com) Hey, speaking of which they picked their winners today... www.Bulwer-Lytton.com

You're driven to a rhyming dictionary by the word "cat". (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Like, dude, it's, like, totally lame, like, whoa. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Your sad poems make people laugh and your funny ones make them cry. (JTulli@Juno.com)

If it can't be done on a cell phone, it's not likely to happen. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Your poems are even turned down by the illegitimate contests. (JTulli@Juno.com;; kayladykay@aol.com) Are you saying my "Ode to a Ball of Yarn Being Batted Around the House By One of My Ten Cats, I Know Not Which For Certain" isn't...oh nah, you are just messing with me.

One of your poems rhymes "bungee" with "spongy." (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

Isn't it obvious..? My vast creative talent is channeled for the sole purpose of bombarding HMO with humorous & witty retorts. (CoyPsyche@aol.com)

If nothing you do rhymes, and you pay your taxes late, No Government will let you be their Poet Laureate. (dennisilvr@aol.com)

You found out too late that the rhyme scheme was "Iambic Pentameter", not “Iambic Pentagram.” But you can't exactly UN-sacrifice the virgin now, can you? (hunkafunk@hotmail.com) Oh SURE...now you tell me!!!

I thought e.e. cummings was a porn star. (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

You actually believe in working for a living. (scice@aol.com)

You don't even use shampoo (or is that sulfate laureate?) (pooks49@yahoo.com) Someone who reads the back of shampoo...yep, they're HMO-worthy!

You're shooting for the title "Mad Lib Laureate" instead. (atwright73@yahoo.com)

Whenever someone quotes the poet Shelley, you always ask, "now what's her last name again?" (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wrote this entry In a minute or two. (n_zukowski@hotmail.com)

Can't think of anything good to rhyme with "Nantucket." (cdmauger@aol.com; TvOrNotTv1@aol.com) The key here is to think of something "bad"...c'mon people!  ;)

People hear your poetry, and over and over again, they tell you to "refrain". (maxcel200@aol.com)

Poet Laureate... sounds like a new celebrity baby name has been born! (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com) You know...this is so incredibly possible...and sad.

"What rhymes with areola?" (murdoctor@aol.com)

Every time I pick up a pen to write a poem true and brave. Ogden Nash rolls over in his grave. When I think I've got a line that does Eliot to a "T"-- Ezra's ghost comes back to "Pound" on me. (AuntShecky711@aol.com) Oh, you Poe person, you...I offer my sympathies and Plath-itudes!!

That's a special kind of trick rope, right? (delbanks57@netscape.net)

I just hate my job making granite
It's the worst frickin' job on the planet
I'd rather try to be poet laureate
'Cause it's easier to write poems than to quarry it. (skibip@aol.com)

The winners:

Five METER run...sheesh...some people!...

You think Iambic Pentameter is a 5-mile run sponsored by a dog food company. (jaberwock@yahooy.com)

Well, as the book title says, life's "a bowl of cherries: Just spit the pits!" (What? Go look it up!!)...

My geeky sonnets are incomplete until I can find a rhyme for "riboflavin." (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)