Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 11 Jun 08)

All these people get double Rat's Asses - because, because, guys really need to read the home page/forum once in a while.

Really Bad Signs Your Cat Is Plotting Your Demise

He is a cat. ( Oh, c'mon, that's just not fair.

It's awake. ( Seriously, that IS kinda cruel, isn't it?

It's breathing. ( Ughhhh! I give up!

All the other cats in the neighborhood snicker when you check the mail. (

Hairballs arranged in the shape of a pentagle. (

What's with all the cat hair on the non-dairy creamer? ( Ummm...your non-dairy creamer has secretly been replaced with rat poison??

Word has it her cousin Leo from Africa is coming for a visit. (

I keep dreaming I'm choking on the bathroom throw rug and waking up with a mouthful of cat fur. (

Keeps leaving me cryptic messages on my MySpace page while at I'm work. ( Unfortunately, I don't speak Catonese.

Yes, I'm afraid of my cat--the mice don't even play when he's away. (

Sudden, intense interest in "Law & Order". ( At least you didn't say "Paw & Order"...I'll give you that much.

No longer drags dead mice up to the door. Just last night he dragged a horse's head up on the bed. (

When your kitty starts to sing the Meow Mix song like "I rip your heart out, Tear out your liver..." (

You discover a hair ball in your likeness beside its scratch pole. ( Considering how scruffy I look, it looks a little TOO like me.

He coughs up a voodoo doll of you. (

My cat's body language says: My lives add to nine, how you doin'? ( No, that's a sign your cat is turning into 'Joey Tribbiani' from "Friends".

Keeps snickering at you "Too bad you don't have NINE lives like me!" ( That's better.

He keeps leaving dead animals on my has to be a message. ( It is...and it goes kinda like this...

Your answering machine message is replaced with the "Meow Mix" jingle. (

Climbs the highest branch of a backyard tree, and meows, knowing full well how you suffer from vertigo. (

She watches CSI & claws notes into the furniture. ( Figures it wouldn't be the scratching post...sigh...

Clumps in the litter box/hairballs are coughed up to spell out REDRUM. (,

While walking across your keyboard the web site window opens. ( Whew! For a minute there I thought that read I'm still safe...for now.

He gets in bed and lays on my face. Really, he beds down on my face! What the hell is that? (

If I let him sleep with me he'll go for the jugular, if I keep him out, he'll wait by the stairs to trip me--it's sort of a Cat-22. ( Ohhh...that bad pun wins you an award--it's a genuine cat ass trophy!

Scratches rival gang signs into his scratching post. (

Spends a lot of time with your ex-wife, giggling. ( Well, then again, who doesn't?

When I threw the ball of tin foil for her to play with, she picked it up with her left paw, acted like she was pulling the pin with her right paw, then rolled it back to me. (

There's a dead mouse head in your bed. ( Um...still better than a live mouse head, right?

You keep finding hairballs in your nebulizer. ( Again: Considering how scruffy I...oh, just forget it.

Lately has been marking his territory on only the things he wants to be left in your will. (

You come home to find him sitting in a swivel chair, holding and stroking ANOTHER cat, looking at your picture, all the while, practicing his evil laugh. ( What IS it with all the laughing cats you guys have? I have had lots of cats and they NEVER laugh. Well, to my face.

Are you serious?! If a cat wants to do away with you, they don't GIVE you any warning signs. (

You find a copy of "Guns and Ammo" laying next to the litter box. (

It keeps rewinding the TiVo to replay Craig Ferguson's "they'll eat you when you're dead" comment. ( Panderer. But, it worked...sooooo...sing with me: "What did we learn on the show tonight, Craig? Meow!"

Caught him playing with the X-acto blade box again. (

He's been awful quiet lately. Just laying there in the sun... (

The dog and cat stop talking when you enter the room. ( Ummmm....they were talking in the first place? Yep, Leis...I think this guy might have "other" issues.

Other than eat, sleep, catch an occasional mouse or chipmunk, she doesn't have anything better to do with her time. (

While licking his paws, the cat stares at you and makes a slashing motion across his throat. (

It's no accident that she likes rubbing your legs near the top of the stairs. (

The winners:

I tell ya...those "all natural/healthy" cat foods...what will they think to add in them next?...

Yesterday, I slipped and fell on cat shit AND a banana peel. (

Jdoveraz, run!! The cat knows, and your life is in dang--...

I only have a few moments to send an entry, Sparky has been watching me like craz... (