Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 14 Mar 08)

Leis hasn't been feeling very well and he's recouperating...and until he gets better, I'm just going to go it alone.

Really Bad Signs You Probably Shouldn't Have Volunteered To Be A Medical Guinea Pig

The pharmaceutical company is reaping millions of dollars in profits, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. (

You constantly hear the word "adoption" when you wake up in an animal shelter licking yourself. (

Every time the garage door opens I get an erection. (

Volunteered to have my latte laced with 'Seven-Dirty Words' pill, now I open my church services with an hour of George Carlin. ( I'd do a pun about "Latte Day Saints" - but I won't.

I just gave birth -- and I'm a man. (;

They said I wouldn't have any after-effects from the stem cell experiment, but the moles on my back are starting to look like little itty bitty kidneys. ( They are actually with it. They're so you hear people talking behind your back...or when you are talking out of your ass.

I'm now known as the man from Nantucket. (

I have this urge to support Ralph Nader for president. (

You're sprouting tufts of fur where you never expected. ( Um...where DID you expect them?

I have actually benefited from the experience. I can type a lot faster. (Well okay, that could be due to the four extra fingers!) (

The experiment involves testing volunteers to see how many Viagra pills they can take before their penis explodes. ( Woohooo, I won! Hey, wait a minute...I didn't USED to have oh...

The staff snickers and calls you "Butt-hole boy". (

You've got internal shrapnel wounds from that last kidney stone they blew up. ( Fortunately it was growing out of your back and didn't do much damage.

You're promised a two-week getaway to an 'undiscovered paradise' called Ebola Bay. (

Sure, now I finally have hair, but, on my ass with such volume? ( Volume, you say? Probably due to the close proximity of those ears on your back there, Butt-boy.

What do you mean bad signs? I've lost over 200 pounds on this wheel! (

You find that your cup size has increased threefold and you were not looking at jock straps. (

The penis implanted on your forehead for the tissue donor project draws way too much attention. ( Well, anything that takes the focus off your giant hairy ass.

Your kid's fifth grade classmates keep begging the teacher to let them bring you home and take care of you over spring vacation. (

You can fan yourself with your ears. ( ...that are growing on your back. Okay, okay, I'll stop with the ear/kidney/back/butt jokes.

"I'm sure that door was unlocked when I came in here." (

Apparently you are not supposed to bend over at the Allergy Clinic when they want to prick you. ( You do if you're name is "Butt-hole boy". Yeah...I'm at it again.

People keep using you for a coat hook. (

Your one-man puppet show now has three characters. ( Um...this is naughty, isn't it?

I'm addicted to placebos. (

You're rrrreally excited on "Enema Day". ( Maybe that's why they call you "Butt-hole boy"...okay, okay, I promise I'll stop now.

All the 'male enhancement' drug does is make you help even less around the house. (

Oh, sure, the glow-in-the dark, fluorescent green pee is kinda cool, but that acid like nature burns like hell! (

Other guinea pigs refuse to let you use the hamster wheel due to your constant anal leakage. ( Well, it IS the day before "Enema Day" after all. Hey, if you guys DON'T want to hear me poke fun at your entries, don't send them. Ummmm...uh...disregard that last comment there.

Can't sleep without bright overhead lights and being strapped to the bed. (

You find out that there really is such a thing as being too big. (

The last question you ask before being knocked out from behind is, "hey, what's up with the milking machine?" (

As long as one doesn't look like Ray Milland or Rosey Grier you're probably okay...

I thought I had a good head on my shoulders; now I've got two. (