Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 16 Dec 06)

Really Bad Reasons You Never Win a Contest On HumorMeOnline
(Suggested by

Cad just doesn't give a Rat's Ass. (

Your 'winning' entry on the day the contest started expired after being in limbo for a month. (

According to Cad and Leis, some of you are just one pun away from having a hit put out on you. (

Lost the address to send bribe money. ( No excuses now:
P.O. Box 242032
Montgomery, AL 36124

Their stupid, bloody, childish, irritating, unreasonable, shit-headed insistence that I send in actual entries to get picked. (

I lower my standards to allow Airfarcewon to claim the wallet and trinkets that are so desperately needed. ( See? Some people are so noble.

I keep looking for humoUrmeonline. (

I like to keep a low profile, so I strive to submit non-winning entries ( Keep up the excellent work!!

Ran out of clean jokes. (

Collusion amongst the judges runs rampant here. ( We never run...too much energy needed...the most we'd do is walk at at a slightly brisk pace.

Your imagination always gets stuck in a rut. in a rut. in a rut. in a rut. (

You refuse to suck up to that gorgeous and oh-so-hittable Cadeaux. (

For some strange reason, submitting "I can't think of anything funny for this topic", never seems to take home top honors. (

The emails with your bribes attached keep bouncing back. ( They keep getting intercepted by that guy in Nigeria who continually emails me for urgent assistance. He must be making a BUNDLE!!

Sent so many entries, I must have been disqualified or something. (

Judges too damned lazy to translate Swahili. (

If it continues to be judged in the quality vs quantity format, then m a y b e I just don't want to win. Did you ever think of that? ( I certainly did...right after reading 503 entries sent in by some dolt named JTullip or something.

Good not structure sentence with I'm. (

Because you're the same people who write for Bob Saget. ( Hey, now...that's really a low blow.

Donald Rumsfeld is still reading all my Email--and rewriting the punchlines. (

I guess they don't give out "wins" for wedding presents :( ( Marriage is an institution. So is Bellevue. Um, I mean "Congratulations!"

You are allergic to origami. (

I went to the John Kerry school of joke telling. (

Well, what can I say? I'm Really Bad at these contests! See, I bet a million other people thought of that one just now! ( A million? Oh ha ha HA HA ha ha THAT'S a good one!

Inadvertently offended a drunken Cad when I turned her down for a night of wild sex...or was that Leis? (

Maybe it's my email address, (

Well... the death threats and temper tantrums certainly haven't helped. ( promised you wouldn't tell anyone about those.

Your comedic role model? Kierkegaard. (Too obscure?) (

Too late, I found out that none of them WANT their children back... (

The winners:

Ah...and all along I thought they actually were the judges...

I actually win them, but only when I use my tpanner, Airfarcewon and maxcel200 online identities. (

Yeah, the "beeping" ReBas never even get opened 'til the bomb squad arrives...

All of my entries usually confiscated at the airport because they are that terrifying. (