Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 17 Jan 07)

Really Bad Surprises In The Upcoming 'Indiana Jones' Film

There will be no surprises. It's not good for Indy's heart. (

The new film has a "G" rating and co-stars Bob the Builder with Dora the Explorer. (

In order to capitalize on sponsorship opportunities with McDonald's, the new line is "Shakes......why did it have to be shakes?" ( Fooled you! We didn't pick a snake entry after all.

Harrison Ford is older than the relics he is looking for. (;

The plot involves Indy, now a curmudgeonly invalid, forced to attempt to get out of bed and don his walker to investigate just what is in that "mystery meat" they serve in the rest home cafeteria. (

Sean Connery plays Indiana Jones' son. (; and many, many others...) Yeah, apparently we ALL had a peek at the same script...

In an attempt to attract a younger crowd, this time Indiana Jones must beat dark wizards to the sorcerer's stone. (

All those damn AARP product placements! (;

The budget runs so low that Indiana must trade in his old rope for a new, cheap, plastic one from Toys R Us. (

Production costs skyrocket because Harrison Ford keeps having trouble with those annoying four hour erections. ( And you thought those AARP product placements were bad.

Indiana's hat is stolen by Curious George. (

That they are making another 'Indiana Jones' film. (;

Indy's new quest...find ANY Weapons of Mass Destruction....PLEASE!!! (

He's really not from Indiana -- he's from Hoboken, New Jersey. ( And related to Sinatra?

James Earl Jones cast to play arch nemesis D. Art Raider. (

It takes place in America and revolves around the US Constitution... (

The magic artifact he's hunting for this time is a Magic 8 Ball. (

Crackle of gunfire actually Harrison Ford's knees. ( But he's still handy with that whip...well, whipping out his AARP card, that is.

Blood-chilling prostate exam scene. (

Trapped in a room, Indy has no choice but to push Calista Flockhart through a keyhole to open the door from the other side. ( Why not slip her under the door? Don't be silly, Leis...if he bends over, he just might not be able to straighten up again.

Short Round just isn't as cute with five o'clock shadow. (;

After Alzheimer's sets in, Indy begins looking for the Lost Ark and the Holy Grail again. (

Roger Moore replaces Sean Connery as father. ( Well, maybe they bond better. ;)

Indy rescues everybody by the skin of his teeth. And then his teeth fall out. (

The stone he runs from in this one is a kidney stone. ( And to get me to see this in a theater, I'm going to need to be VERY stoned!

Indy dedicates most of his time to keeping the neighborhood kids off his lawn. (

This time the adventures play out in South Florida, where Indy is on the eternal hunt for the Early Bird Special. (

The winners:

Roll out the Indy can try to jump over it...

The theme song has been paced down into a polka. (

"Once again, Dr. Jones, there is nothing you have that I cannot--oh, gee, someone poke him. He dozed off again!"...

To bring the film up to more recent times Jones now rides a Rascal Scooter instead of a horse. (