Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 19 Feb 06)

Really Bad Ways to Make the Winter Olympics More Fun

Drench the cross country skiers with bear pheromones and fish scent. Stand back. (

Make the summer teams do the Winter Games too. Save the blooper reels. (

Ski jump in a Ford Torino. ( that Ferrari for the closing ceremonies. Oh, c' know they are going to bring it out again.

Make writing your name in the snow a competition. (

Call up NBC and explain to them that there are actually OTHER countries participating in the Olympics. (

Replace the athletes with plutonium powered robotic Zambonies with small proximity charges attached to concussion fuses ( We did this already, it was called a "Tonya Harding"...

All events: Athletes must compete while facing backwards. (

To avoid having spectators stand in the cold, hold the winter games in Daytona Beach during spring break. (

Throw an NHL defenseman out there during the pairs skating . . . "Bruskin and Katsayev go into their twin double axels . . . and POW, Darius Kasparaitis just LEVELS Katsayev with a thunderous hip check!" (

Go to a bar in Turin/Torino and buy Bode Miller another drink. ( Key word here: "another". Poor Bode.

Get the commentators drunk. ( Well, they ARE interviewing Bode, afterall.

Speed skating - speed bumps, no signs. (

Require skiers to use cell phones while on the slalom. (

Naked hockey...need I say more? OK, I will. (sports caster#1)"Johnson gets in front of the goal and stops the puck with his...OOOOOOh that's gonna leave a mark!" (#2) "Yeah, on his next kid's forehead." ( The not-so-Mighty Ducks return!

More athlete profiles. I can't get enough of those endless athlete profiles interspersed with 15 minutes of commercials. Watching actual competition is highly overrated. (

C'mon, any time a broomstick is used as a major piece of Olympic Game's sports equipment, as far as fun..that's really bad enough! (

Create some patches of very thin ice for the figure skaters. (;

Speed skaters from North America, clockwise. Speed skaters from Europe, counter-clockwise. ( And the Oriental ones? Have them just stand there so they don't win any more medals?

X-treme snow angels. (

You're allowed to legally kill anyone dressed up like the mascot. (

Have a stand where they sell Amish porn. ( See what happens when I forget to monitor the HMO "Amish" forums???

Add a skeet shooting competition alongside the ski jumping competition. (;

For curling, instead of brooms allow gas-powered leaf blowers. (

Tell Bob Costas to have the courtesy to tell the viewers when "24" is back from commercial break so we don't have to keep switching back and forth! (

Let Italian Mafia 'whack' the losers. ( And Tonya Harding "whack" the winners?

While the skiers are asleep, change the course. (

Uphill Luge. (;

Put on skis and race each other down the stairway. (

The ice-dancing chick has to weigh at least 200 lbs - let's see the guy lift and toss her around. (

Freeze a quarter in the ice and see how many speed skaters stop and chip it out... ( son and I were just talking about this last nite...were you here?

Clearer face gear so we can see that yep, they are scared to death of what they're doing. (

Lugers go downhill on a stiff-as-a-board Jim McKay. (

If this really pleasant, fresh-faced, snowboarder chick falls just a few measly yards away from winning a gold medal, make sure to talk about it endlessly in the press in order to make her feel even worse, thereby driving her to a life of drug and alcohol abuse that will eventually land her in jail and get the attention of all the tabloid TV shows that we can sit down and watch and be amused by. ( Oh...and shame her into saying she was grandstanding...don't forget that.

Plump is fun. How about full figure skating. (

Have a new event called Old People and an Icy, Treacherous Sidewalk. (

Combine the luge with the ski jump - now THAT'S a sport I'd tune in to watch. (;

All bobsled events now must include mandatory Chinese fire drill. ( are showing your age.

At the medal ceremonies for women's speed skating, switch the winning national anthem tape for "I Like Big Butts" by Sir Mix-A-Lot. (

Invite Dick Cheney to be the guy who holds the starters pistol for the speed skating events. (

The winners:

Finally, an event with some explosive drama...

New event: The Yugo Downhill Slalom (

Sometimes you just can't write them any better...yes, it's an actual quote regarding Shaun White (gold medal winner...way to go, dude)..."It's incredible how Shaun drops in on every hit and just owns it," said U.S. halfpipe coach Bud Keene...

Let the 'Halfpipe' participants smoke the rest of the pipe before performing. (