Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 19 Jan 10)

Really Bad Things Said On The 'FoodTV' Channel That Sound Naughty, But Aren't
(Suggested by GuitarTexn@aol.com)

"Tie a string around both legs, pull them up and loop the string around the neck." (mashallaha@aol.com)

"Now I'll put the white cream on Nigella's buns and it will be luscious." (jdcoops3@aol.com) It'd be more luscious if we put it on Giada's if you ask me.

"I like to use liberal amounts of extra-virgin oil on these breasts and thighs." (rod.renner@juno.com)

These four fall into the "We said 'naughty' not 'NASTY'" category...

"And now we will be making a Pu-Pu Platter!" (kilgoreandria@gmail.com)

"Have you seen the size of Paula Deen's rump?" (GerriHan65@aol.com)

"Today Chef Jeff will be stuffing my peach with lots of delicious cream." (flynnkj19@aol.com)

"OK, start by slicing your shiitake." (muck55@aol.com)

"You'll need to knead your dumplings for at least 5 minutes, until they get good and hard." (Jdoveraz@aol.com) I would've given bonus points if you could've figured out a way to get "kneed" in there, too...nah, not really.

"Some people do not like nuts, but I just can't get enough of them." (madavis62@windstream.net)

"When you have nothing else, a cucumber comes in handy." (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

"I'm going to put my battered balls into the deep fryer." (retrometro@rogers.com)

"You lay her down on her back, then you just stuff it up into the cavity as far as you possibly can." (bfishburne@gmail.com)

"Next, I'm going to show you a very special meat rub that's been handed down to me from my mother, and from her mother before that." (sootnmoopy@aol.com) As long as it's not going on Paula Deen's rump, I'm okay with it.

"Then you pour my hot cream over those delicious nuts of yours and we have just made a dessert in Heaven." (Antkitty70@aol.com)

"Beat until stiff..." (arlenekader@aol.com; reidayork@aol.com) I gotta start watching Food Network, some of these are pretty raunchy!!

"Jane,there are more things that you can do with wieners than you could ever imagine." (ronxian@bak.rr.com)

"And when it's good and hot, you just pop the sausage in your mouth and enjoy!" (cdmauger@aol.com)

"Make sure you grease your meat before sticking it in." (tomcnagy@verizon.net)

"Now, I just pulled out my baguette ...." (cem007@canada.com) "Will ya look at the crust on that, Steve?"

"Anyone wanna spoon?" (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

"Some complain about a 'fishy' odor, but I know if they'd just try it, they'd understand what a treat it is." (seeker@vcoms.net)

"Get a firm grip on the turkey and stuff it with your sausage." (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com) I think Stifler demonstrated this technique in one of the American Pie movies.

"You could pay a lot, but a cheap tart is just as tasty." (strollo5@embarqmail.com)

"You'll beat it vigorously 'till it starts to stiffen." (codieleefer@yahoo.com)

"Does someone want to lick the bowl?" (jaynashvil@aol.com)

The winners:

Wait...didn't Michael Caine say this in "Alfie"?...

"The 'Parson's Nose' is at the bird's rear end." (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

She burnt the chicken, too...

"I think your breasts are smokin', Mary!" (ronxian@bak.rr.com)