Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 19 Nov 09)

Really Bad Questions on the Job Application for Billy Mays' Replacement

Pepsi or COKE? (smmfd1@cox.net)

Do you wear tight underwear washed in Oxy-Clean? (retrometro@rogers.com)

Are you any or all of the following: "Annoying", "Loud", "Obnoxious" or 'Have a closet filled with black hair dye #3'? (kamasushi@gmail.com)

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you hate the "Shamwow Guy"? (retrometro@rogers.com) You might hate him...but you're going to love his nuts!

Do people want to have a beer with you even after you've been shouting at them at the top of your lungs for 2 minutes? (Jdoveraz@aol.com)

Do you know what cocaine is? (kamasushi@gmail.com)

Can you say "Totally free....you just pay shipping and handling of $56" without anyone hearing the "$56" part? (skibip@aol.com)

Do you have any experience selling crap nobody really needs? (kirstenlmsw@gmail.com)

Can we hook up a camera in your casket so you can pitch products after your dead? (jaynashvil@aol.com) Products like Maggot-B-Gone, for all your post mortem needs? ORDER NOW!!

Do you have many inventor friends that you can steal ideas from? (gastlamba@yahoo.com)

Can you just sound like you're doing major cocaine without actually using it? (monacof@bellsouth.net)

If you get too annoying, can we use a rival product, the SlapChop, on your nuts? (GerriHan65@aol.com)

Do you have "too fast" problems in other areas of your life? (ReineDeDouleur@yahoo.com) Somehow I can't shake the idea that this question and the one above it should actually be a two-parter.

During a typical dinner conversation, how would you describe your jugular vein? 1) Slightly distended; 2) Moderately distended; 3) Could blow at any time. (robtone247@yahoo.com)

Have you ever done a commercial for SHOUT? (tphyll@aol.com)

Have you ever used the Pocket Fisherman in an inappropriate way? (edprocoat@msn.com) Define "inappropriate".

Would you sell your own mother? If "yes", you're hired. (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Do you have previous media-whoring experience? (multislacker@yahoo.com) Well, I was Bill O'Reilly's apprentice over at FOXNews...does that count?

Are you willing to embarrass yourself internationally pretending to be excited about bad domestic products? (straightarrow15@hotmail.com)

Do you know how many hours of out-takes and gallons of CLR it takes to clean a bathroom? (retrometro@rogers.com)

Can you be twice as annoying for half his salary? (GerriHan65@aol.com)

How many consecutive hours can you talk without breathing? (straightarrow15@hotmail.com) Ooohh Oooh! I can do this! No, seriously, I can...ask anyone who has spoken with me.

Coffee, tea or Red Bull? (retrometro@rogers.com)

So how long were you Tim Allen's assistant? (mitchwatts@yahoo.com) I don't think so, Tim...

Have you ever used Oxi-Clean in a manner not consistent with the manufacturers directions? (DLiver420@gmail.com) Ummm...well, it IS a white powder, isn't it?

So what drugs are YOU on? (rcmauger@att.net)

Have you ever been gullible enough to actually buy any of this cr*p?" (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

The winners:

Well, I've been called "batty" by almost everyone I've ever met...

How good are you with a bat? Oops, sorry, that's WILLIE Mays. (retrometro@rogers.com)

Because I can't make up my mind about which one of these two are better...I'm going to do what infomercials do...so, "For a limited time offer, we'll throw in TWO winners instead of one..."

Why don't you write in capital letters HERE??? (tphyll@aol.com)

Do you still have trouble using your "inside voice?" (rcmauger@att.net)