Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 19 Nov 09)

Really Bad Questions on the Job Application for Billy Mays' Replacement

Pepsi or COKE? (

Do you wear tight underwear washed in Oxy-Clean? (

Are you any or all of the following: "Annoying", "Loud", "Obnoxious" or 'Have a closet filled with black hair dye #3'? (

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you hate the "Shamwow Guy"? ( You might hate him...but you're going to love his nuts!

Do people want to have a beer with you even after you've been shouting at them at the top of your lungs for 2 minutes? (

Do you know what cocaine is? (

Can you say "Totally just pay shipping and handling of $56" without anyone hearing the "$56" part? (

Do you have any experience selling crap nobody really needs? (

Can we hook up a camera in your casket so you can pitch products after your dead? ( Products like Maggot-B-Gone, for all your post mortem needs? ORDER NOW!!

Do you have many inventor friends that you can steal ideas from? (

Can you just sound like you're doing major cocaine without actually using it? (

If you get too annoying, can we use a rival product, the SlapChop, on your nuts? (

Do you have "too fast" problems in other areas of your life? ( Somehow I can't shake the idea that this question and the one above it should actually be a two-parter.

During a typical dinner conversation, how would you describe your jugular vein? 1) Slightly distended; 2) Moderately distended; 3) Could blow at any time. (

Have you ever done a commercial for SHOUT? (

Have you ever used the Pocket Fisherman in an inappropriate way? ( Define "inappropriate".

Would you sell your own mother? If "yes", you're hired. (

Do you have previous media-whoring experience? ( Well, I was Bill O'Reilly's apprentice over at FOXNews...does that count?

Are you willing to embarrass yourself internationally pretending to be excited about bad domestic products? (

Do you know how many hours of out-takes and gallons of CLR it takes to clean a bathroom? (

Can you be twice as annoying for half his salary? (

How many consecutive hours can you talk without breathing? ( Ooohh Oooh! I can do this! No, seriously, I can...ask anyone who has spoken with me.

Coffee, tea or Red Bull? (

So how long were you Tim Allen's assistant? ( I don't think so, Tim...

Have you ever used Oxi-Clean in a manner not consistent with the manufacturers directions? ( Ummm...well, it IS a white powder, isn't it?

So what drugs are YOU on? (

Have you ever been gullible enough to actually buy any of this cr*p?" (

The winners:

Well, I've been called "batty" by almost everyone I've ever met...

How good are you with a bat? Oops, sorry, that's WILLIE Mays. (

Because I can't make up my mind about which one of these two are better...I'm going to do what infomercials, "For a limited time offer, we'll throw in TWO winners instead of one..."

Why don't you write in capital letters HERE??? (

Do you still have trouble using your "inside voice?" (