Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 1 Apr 08)

Leis hasn't been feeling very well and he's recouperating...and until he gets better, I'm just going to go it alone.

Really Bad Signs The Air You're Breathing Might Be Too Dirty

Your boogers are not even edible any more. (edprocoat@msn.com)

It keeps trying to give me a lap dance. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Dr. Kavorkian invites you to give CPR to his patients. (gerg17@comcast.net) Uh...did you NOT read the new CPR guidelines...this just wouldn't work anymore.

Your brother's gym socks make a decent air filter. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

Chewing the air is bad enough, but now you can actually blow bubbles. (there's a clown joke in there somewhere) (mitchwatts@yahoo.com) People, people...leave the joke-making to the semi-wannabe-professionals here, will ya?

EPA shuts down your lungs. (AndyD5_2000@hotmail.com; JanusFiles@hotmail.com)

You keep singing up to be a human guinea pig, in order to breathe the fresh air in the laboratory. (tphyll@aol.com) You know - I was going to fix your typo...but I think it just might be funnier your way.

At first I thought it was just my smoke detector, but, I've never once had a fire! I have to remove the 9-volt battery or I can't sleep at night! (davidgotribe@aol.com)

People always call you 'Lord Vader' and you've never even SEEN Star Wars! (Kamasushi@gmail.com) Never seen it, huh? Wow...your air really IS dirty!

Al Gore told me so. (ankle_jay@comcast.net)

That last blob of phlegm you coughed up was an exact likeness of Paris Hilton. (loonalupe@rogers.com) and...I honked out a booger that looked like Jesus. (e-merlin001@hotmail.com) You guys spend waaay too much time hoping for that big score on eBay, don't you?

You literally give people dirty looks. (humorbear@aol.com)

You need a hacksaw just to take a small breath. (GerriHan65@aol.com) Hacksaw...hacking cough? Coincidence??

You think about one day seeing Los Angeles...and you live there! (maxcel200@aol.com)

When I talk on the phone, the person on the other end gets an earful of crap. (rider1@dishmail.net) Yeah...well, that happens when I do that, too...only the air is totally clean where I uh..live..er...ummm...nevermind.

The background on this page used to be a lighter color until I started playing. (monacof@bellsouth.net)

My doctor tells me to take up smoking to clean up my lungs. (skibip@aol.com; gerg17@comcast.net; 120 others)

I saw my breath this morning...and it was 78 degrees. (Jdoveraz@aol.com; rod.renner@juno.com) Perhaps it's time for a Tic-Tac?

You ask your chain-smoking mother to roll up the car windows so you can breathe. (gooch_258@hotmail.com)

Does the constant smell of urine in the air count as dirty? (flynnkj19@aol.com) Depends...on if you are enjoying it as much as seeker@vcoms.net appears to be...

Urine-soaked homeless men now smell refreshing. (seeker@vcoms.net)

Every time I inhale, I gain an ounce. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) Ah...I remember the good ole days I "inhaled" and "gained an ounce". ;)

Instead of blowing smoke out, the skywriters use high powered vacuums. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

I sent a box of it to my Mom. It cost me ten bucks. (e-merlin001@hotmail.com)

Your pet canary just died when you opened the window. (edprocoat@msn.com) Well, life does have its little perks, doesn't it?

Out-of-towners get mugged for the air in their tires. (seeker@vcoms.net)

Where the phrase "What the hell did YOU eat??" becomes a badge of honour...

After farting, you discover, to your horror, that the room smells fresher. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)