Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 21 Apr 07)

Really Bad Signs You're Not the Lover You Used to Be
(Topic Suggested by NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

"Hmmm...Haagen-Dazs or sex, Haagen-Dazs or sex?...Is it Choc. Chocolate Chip?" (monetmonet@artlover.com)

When the wife yawns and asks, "Am I done yet?" (rulaffin@gmail.com; skibip@aol.com)

Your girlfriend's text message bill: $145.97 Your text message bill: $3.25 (atwright73@yahoo.com)

Instead of prescribing "the sponge", your gynecologist recommends "the Swiffer." (tainsam@aol.com) Somewhere there's a really bad "corncob-web" joke in there.

Your hand falls asleep. (TvOrNotTv1@aol.com)

Instead of the sweet whispers you used to get in your ear, you now hear joints creaking and gaspy grunting just rolling over in bed. (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Since you bought the High Definition TV to watch the football games, you have somehow forgotten the fact that you have a wife....and the fact that you used her credit card to buy it. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com) ...and the fact that she knows where the Ginsu knives are kept.

I can't even pleasure myself properly. (Jdoveraz@aol.com)

Drop-off in paternity suits. (tstrontium90@aol.com)

The only time your wife screams during sex, is if you wipe your hands on the curtain. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) DURING??

Women dress you with their eyes. (TvOrNotTv1@aol.com)

"Not tonight, honey. Ultimate fighting is on," she said. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

It's the tenth year you've bought your wife Gas Station Flowers for your anniversary. (atwright73@yahoo.com) Just remember to leave them in the other room, during the candlelit dinner.

She continues doing her needlepoint while you're performing oral sex on her. (del.banks@gmail.com)

After the 5th time this evening you had to take a 5 minute break. (rampage1984@msn.com) Nice try - but we all know that "1984" in your name is a reference to the last time you scored. ;)

Now when we role-play, the French maid outfit typically means someone's expected to clean the house. (stan@squidworks.com)

You've stopped wondering if sex would be more fun with a partner. (GrandPoobah651@comcast.net)

It's the laughter that really bothers me.... (TheEyeWit@yahoo.com) Well, then, you've come to the right place...oh, wait...you probably didn't mean it THAT way. ;)

When You Have To Check The Calendar To See: "Is This Sex Night?" (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

Your partner falls asleep before you can get your "good teeth" in. (lhill@vhb.com) "Good" teeth? I won't even ask.

It now takes you all night to do what you use to do all night long. (rampage1984@msn.com)

Foreplay consists of 30 minutes of vigorous begging. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) Followed by 3 minutes of...uh, never mind!

I take "no" for an answer. (tphyll@aol.com)

She asks you to wear a Keith Richards mask. (brat.cat@verizon.net)

HAH! Who said I was ever a good lover to begin with!!!! (CoyPsyche@aol.com) You and me both.

Your Origami collection is incredible. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

She prefers it doggy style so that the pillow muffles her snoring. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)

"You Suck in Bed!" that's written in crayon on a grocery bag stapled to a paint stick and held up so your neighbors can see it. (holtbolt@comcast.net) This sounds like one of those "truth is stranger than fiction" things to me.

Your casual sex, becomes "Casualty Sex." (humorbear@aol.com)

Any condom I wear has to be taken in. (humorbear@aol.com)

Good-bye champagne and Barry White, hello Ensure and Garrison Keillor. (tainsam@aol.com) These truly are "Woe-Be-Gone" days!

Wife use to get upset when I'd get frisky after she had a few drinks, Now she insists on being plastered first. (SPTirish@aol.com)

Coin toss for who has to move this time. (monetmonet@artlover.com) I'm sorry - I'm not doing anything that remotely involves "head".

A great poop and a nice nap seem to release the same endorphins with half the bitching. (monetmonet@artlover.com)

She mistakes your efforts for a little vaginal itching. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The winners:

Okay, I've never actually said this, but I sure as hell thought it loudly enough...

"If I do, will you SHUT THE HELL UP?" (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

*sigh* Neither can they...

You can't keep a straight face when you ask someone to be your lover. (tphyll@aol.com)