Banter provided by Cad and Leis
(Updated 21 Apr 07)
Really Bad Signs You're Not the Lover You Used to Be
(Topic Suggested by NITRAMXXX@aol.com)
"Hmmm...Haagen-Dazs or sex, Haagen-Dazs or sex?...Is it Choc. Chocolate Chip?" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
When the wife yawns and asks, "Am I done yet?" (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
Your girlfriend's text message bill: $145.97 Your text message bill: $3.25 (email@example.com)
Instead of prescribing "the sponge", your gynecologist recommends "the Swiffer." (firstname.lastname@example.org) Somewhere there's a really bad "corncob-web" joke in there.
Your hand falls asleep. (TvOrNotTv1@aol.com)
Instead of the sweet whispers you used to get in your ear, you now hear joints creaking and gaspy grunting just rolling over in bed. (email@example.com)
Since you bought the High Definition TV to watch the football games, you have somehow forgotten the fact that you have a wife....and the fact that you used her credit card to buy it. (firstname.lastname@example.org) ...and the fact that she knows where the Ginsu knives are kept.
I can't even pleasure myself properly. (Jdoveraz@aol.com)
Drop-off in paternity suits. (email@example.com)
The only time your wife screams during sex, is if you wipe your hands on the curtain. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) DURING??
Women dress you with their eyes. (TvOrNotTv1@aol.com)
"Not tonight, honey. Ultimate fighting is on," she said. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
It's the tenth year you've bought your wife Gas Station Flowers for your anniversary. (email@example.com) Just remember to leave them in the other room, during the candlelit dinner.
She continues doing her needlepoint while you're performing oral sex on her. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
After the 5th time this evening you had to take a 5 minute break. (email@example.com) Nice try - but we all know that "1984" in your name is a reference to the last time you scored. ;)
Now when we role-play, the French maid outfit typically means someone's expected to clean the house. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
You've stopped wondering if sex would be more fun with a partner. (GrandPoobah651@comcast.net)
It's the laughter that really bothers me.... (TheEyeWit@yahoo.com) Well, then, you've come to the right place...oh, wait...you probably didn't mean it THAT way. ;)
When You Have To Check The Calendar To See: "Is This Sex Night?" (NITRAMXXX@aol.com)
Your partner falls asleep before you can get your "good teeth" in. (email@example.com) "Good" teeth? I won't even ask.
It now takes you all night to do what you use to do all night long. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Foreplay consists of 30 minutes of vigorous begging. (email@example.com) Followed by 3 minutes of...uh, never mind!
I take "no" for an answer. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
She asks you to wear a Keith Richards mask. (email@example.com)
HAH! Who said I was ever a good lover to begin with!!!! (CoyPsyche@aol.com) You and me both.
Your Origami collection is incredible. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
She prefers it doggy style so that the pillow muffles her snoring. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)
"You Suck in Bed!" that's written in crayon on a grocery bag stapled to a paint stick and held up so your neighbors can see it. (email@example.com) This sounds like one of those "truth is stranger than fiction" things to me.
Your casual sex, becomes "Casualty Sex." (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Any condom I wear has to be taken in. (email@example.com)
Good-bye champagne and Barry White, hello Ensure and Garrison Keillor. (firstname.lastname@example.org) These truly are "Woe-Be-Gone" days!
Wife use to get upset when I'd get frisky after she had a few drinks, Now she insists on being plastered first. (SPTirish@aol.com)
Coin toss for who has to move this time. (email@example.com) I'm sorry - I'm not doing anything that remotely involves "head".
A great poop and a nice nap seem to release the same endorphins with half the bitching. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
She mistakes your efforts for a little vaginal itching. (email@example.com)
Okay, I've never actually said this, but I sure as hell thought it loudly enough...
"If I do, will you SHUT THE HELL UP?" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
*sigh* Neither can they...
You can't keep a straight face when you ask someone to be your lover. (email@example.com)