Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 21 Apr 07)

Really Bad Signs You're Not the Lover You Used to Be
(Topic Suggested by

"Hmmm...Haagen-Dazs or sex, Haagen-Dazs or sex?...Is it Choc. Chocolate Chip?" (

When the wife yawns and asks, "Am I done yet?" (;

Your girlfriend's text message bill: $145.97 Your text message bill: $3.25 (

Instead of prescribing "the sponge", your gynecologist recommends "the Swiffer." ( Somewhere there's a really bad "corncob-web" joke in there.

Your hand falls asleep. (

Instead of the sweet whispers you used to get in your ear, you now hear joints creaking and gaspy grunting just rolling over in bed. (

Since you bought the High Definition TV to watch the football games, you have somehow forgotten the fact that you have a wife....and the fact that you used her credit card to buy it. ( ...and the fact that she knows where the Ginsu knives are kept.

I can't even pleasure myself properly. (

Drop-off in paternity suits. (

The only time your wife screams during sex, is if you wipe your hands on the curtain. ( DURING??

Women dress you with their eyes. (

"Not tonight, honey. Ultimate fighting is on," she said. (

It's the tenth year you've bought your wife Gas Station Flowers for your anniversary. ( Just remember to leave them in the other room, during the candlelit dinner.

She continues doing her needlepoint while you're performing oral sex on her. (

After the 5th time this evening you had to take a 5 minute break. ( Nice try - but we all know that "1984" in your name is a reference to the last time you scored. ;)

Now when we role-play, the French maid outfit typically means someone's expected to clean the house. (

You've stopped wondering if sex would be more fun with a partner. (

It's the laughter that really bothers me.... ( Well, then, you've come to the right place...oh, probably didn't mean it THAT way. ;)

When You Have To Check The Calendar To See: "Is This Sex Night?" (

Your partner falls asleep before you can get your "good teeth" in. ( "Good" teeth? I won't even ask.

It now takes you all night to do what you use to do all night long. (

Foreplay consists of 30 minutes of vigorous begging. ( Followed by 3 minutes of...uh, never mind!

I take "no" for an answer. (

She asks you to wear a Keith Richards mask. (

HAH! Who said I was ever a good lover to begin with!!!! ( You and me both.

Your Origami collection is incredible. (

She prefers it doggy style so that the pillow muffles her snoring. (

"You Suck in Bed!" that's written in crayon on a grocery bag stapled to a paint stick and held up so your neighbors can see it. ( This sounds like one of those "truth is stranger than fiction" things to me.

Your casual sex, becomes "Casualty Sex." (

Any condom I wear has to be taken in. (

Good-bye champagne and Barry White, hello Ensure and Garrison Keillor. ( These truly are "Woe-Be-Gone" days!

Wife use to get upset when I'd get frisky after she had a few drinks, Now she insists on being plastered first. (

Coin toss for who has to move this time. ( I'm sorry - I'm not doing anything that remotely involves "head".

A great poop and a nice nap seem to release the same endorphins with half the bitching. (

She mistakes your efforts for a little vaginal itching. (

The winners:

Okay, I've never actually said this, but I sure as hell thought it loudly enough...

"If I do, will you SHUT THE HELL UP?" (

*sigh* Neither can they...

You can't keep a straight face when you ask someone to be your lover. (