Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 21 Jun 09)

Really Bad Songs (or partial lyrics) For A Mafia-Based Musical
(Suggested by

And not ONE single reference to "The Sopranos"...c'mon Broadway...singing...Mafia...

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. I'd hammer in the evening, all over your head... ( I will never think of "Peter, Paul and Mary" the same again.

We are family (ain't nobody messin' with me) (

"I just can't get away from them, I just can't win
Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in!
I just can't get away, I guess I'll never be free,
I haven't felt this nauseous since I saw The Godfather part III." (
Godfather, father, there's far too many of you dyin'....

Hit me with your best shot. (;

You gotta really nice car (be a shame if something happened to it)
You gotta really nice store, (be a shame if something happened to it)
You gotta really nice house, (be a shame if something happened to it)
You gotta really nice wife, (be a shame if something happened to it). (
Shouldn't this have been in Spamalot?

Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang (

Love To Off You Baby (a la Donna Summer's "Love To Love You Baby", complete with swooning over the big dumb man with his big dumb gun.) (

It has to open with Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody": "Mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head pulled the trigger now he's dead..." ( We will, we will, whack you!

When a goon hits your eye
Don't think to ask why
That's a-more reason to pay the protection money. (

"Midnight... and the mobsters are sleeping...." (

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang You F***ing Mooly. (

"The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!" ( Yeah...I guess you have to add a Sinatra song or else.

Bye Bye Berdini (

He ain't heavy, he's my brother, wearing cement shoes cause he ratted to the cops. (

Everybody Whacks Somebody Sometime ( Brings a whole new mening to "Whack-A-Mole", doesn't it?

"Barzini . . . I just whacked a guy named Barzini. And suddenly that thug is swept under the rug for goooood . . . " (

La Mancha: the Don of Quixote (

La Famiglia (Sung to "Let 'Em In"):

Uncle Guido
Aunt Cecile
Cousin Vinny
Knows-a da deal.
We no murda
like-a you think.
You just-a bathing
in-a da drink.
Aquatic-a vacations widda wi-i-ink. ( Well that would explain why Paul McCartney has all the money he does.

He told his wife: "Just do the dishes"
A Heartbeat later, Vito sleeps wit da fishes. (

These Cement Boots Were Made for Sinkin' (

Anybody know where I can find a horse, of course,
to cut off it's head
and put it in bed
with that unlucky bastard who will soon be dead. ( If this is sung to the tune of "Mister Ed"...well - you are both brilliant and sick beyond belief, my friend.

"When the briefcase you hide has the big bucks inside, that's a ransom...." (

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap ( AC/DC - "DC" as in Don Corleone, that is!

Kneecaps Are Broken (to the tune of Morning Has Broken) (

"Nobody puts baby in the corner, unless I give de order" - starring Patrick Swayze as Dancin' Don. (

Where the blood goes
Dripping off the blade.

Where each time I whack
I find a sack'
And clean up 'fore the next big raid. (

I have often walked down this street before.
But the pavement's never been attached to my feet before. (
Yo...Freddie...youse want I should whack dis Higgins guy?

When...the...goon whacks the guy that spilled Sprite on his tie...
Thatsa Monday.
When your eyes start to shine cuz they've been realigned...
you've been warned.
Tommy's spat: "Rat-a-tat-a-tat."
Knock a fellow flat.
Or at least make him mella'.
Scuzza me, but you see, here in northern Jersey,
thatsa Monday.

Dough, that's cash, that we rake in,
Ray, the cousin of my ma... (

The winners:

Sounds like a Broadway "hit", doesn't it?...

"Fuh-gedaboutit!", an anthem for mafiosos with Alzheimers. (

"The Hills" are alive...well, until we whacked 'em at da restaurant...

Horses at racetracks; collecting protection;
payouts and kickbacks and no show construction.
Strippers at brass poles in thongs made of string;
these are a few of my favorite things. (