Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 21 Mar 07)

Really Bad Signs Your Cat Is Mental

It's a CAT! (; Too damn and the 93 other people who sent this should have points removed...and no, I didn't mean that in the "Siamese" kinda way. Yes, you cat people will totally get that one.

He claws the hell out of you when you try to give him a bath, but wants to go outside when it is raining. (

Always volunteers to be the weapon when I want to "whip" my ex. (

No matter how many times I throw her off the balcony she lands on her head! ( Yep, PETA will be contacting you sometime today.

Lately, he's taken to carrying a riding crop under one arm... (

To "shed" some light on these'll have to comb thru some of our previous contests...

He keeps trying to chase Iron Butterfly. (I'm not bitter about being, either.) (

Keeps claiming he picked up 60 IQ points somewhere. (

He sits still all day. His eyes and tail go left to right in 1 second increments. And every hour, on the hour, he meows to tell you what time it is. ( Sounds like a cat-astrophe.

True story, my cat Smudge would eat thread then take a crap and there would be little balls of crap on one end and the other end would still be "attached" and she would run all over the house meowing like crazy because it was chasing her. (

He's been hanging out with Gary Busey a lot lately. (

He comes running wildly through the house, crashes into a wall, then casually walks away. ('ve never HAD a cat, have you...or are you just trying to tell us your cat hangs around with Busey, too?

Sure, my cat IS mental...has a pet carrier that's padded. (

She not only poops in the toilet, but reads a newspaper while she goes. (

He always wins our stare-down contests. ( But he cheats...he's catatonic! Yeah yeah...I know.

He appears on the HMO home page. (

He must turn every piece of his Meow Mix to face the same direction before eating it. (

Her insistence on being addressed as a Feline-American lacks her usual dripping sarcasm. ( Especially since she's a Persian.

She keeps swallowing my computer mouse, just so I have to rub her belly to check my e-mail. ( Oh yeah? Well mine swallowed the TV remote,,,now, I spend all day pushing all her buttons!

He purrs when you discipline him. (

He checks into rehab for his catnip addiction, then leaves the next day. (

His name is Kreskin? ( Here's the point in the list where all the young people Google (not that I'm still bitter, mind you)...

...and here I go again...(well, actually "they"...but that didn't have the same lyrical ring to it)...

Keeps watching that old Whitesnake music video just to drool over Tawny Kitaen. ( I know..."cats rule and dogs drool"...but I have a couple cats that drool when they booya!

Plays "Tic-Cat-Toe" in the litter box. (

He is able to detect, and respond accordingly to, even the slightest degree of demonic possession in those rings that come off the milk jug. (

Keeps sending entries trying to win "Rats Asses." ( Hands down the best topic-relevant "kissy-butt" entry we've ever received.

It reads Snoopy, but not Garfield. ( ( Yes...I must agree...that is one friggen mental cat! (Sound on for "best" enjoyment.)

Says "If you can't stand my being in heat, then stay away from the pussy!" (

Just the way he requests fava bean cat chow. (

Refuses to lick tuna off your genitalia unless you prove it's dolphin-free. ( Yeah, you can expect a call from PETA as well.

Can't think outside the box! (

Well, he clanks when he moves and conducts electricity well. . . oh, wait, you said MeNtal. Never mind. ( That might explain why her hairballs are made out of steel wool.

Sold eight of his lives on eBay just to buy catnip. (

She won't use her kitty box 'cause she says she's illitterate. (

The winners:

She writes it all down in her Cat'log (ok, ok, I'll stop!)...

Endlessly tells all the other cats about the cute things her humans do. (

You must never have gotten him neutered...because he sure has balls...

Every once in a while he just walks up to the pit bull, slaps him on the face and says "8"... (