Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 22 Mar 09)

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Really Bad Things On Your Fertility Clinic Questionnaire

Don't fill out this questionnaire if you think we're out to screw you. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Now, four obvious ones:

Do you know what Octo means? (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

Do you currently, or have you ever had, delusions of being Angelina Jolie, replete with lots of kids? (kilgoreandria@gmail.com)

Do you have an agent? (archerjoe@hotmail.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)

Have you ever watched the classic sitcom, "Eight Is Enough"? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The name of the clinic is The Monica Lewinski & Bill Clinton Fertility Clinic. (tphyll@aol.com)

How do you like your eggs, boiled, poached, scrambled or sunny side up? (Airfarcewon@aol.com) In honor of Easter, I'll say "hidden".

Are you easily egged on? (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

"No discounts for volume." (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) The "buy one, get one free Tuesdays" were cancelled, sorry.

Have you ever fertilized a plant? (flynnkj19@aol.com) Probably, I was pretty drunk in college!

In the "open wide and say 'ah ha!'" camp...

Are you sure you're doing it right? (wamii_69@yahoo.com; kirstenlmsw@gmail.com)

You know it's not supposed to go in your mouth right? (DOrr221@comcast.net)

Are you aware that sperm does not reach a women's ovaries via her stomach? (seeker@vcoms.net)

Actually "ON" your questionnaire? Eww, I'm not gonna say it. (gerg17@comcast.net) Yeah...well that didn't stop wamii_69@yahoo.com from saying it.

Name:_______________________

Age:_________________________

Sex:_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________ (bigbowsie@gmail.com)

How important is the continuation of your blood line? (sheafitz@netscape.com)

(We don't really mean to insult your intelligence, but we do have to get this first question out of the way right off the bat.) Are you still a virgin? (maxcel200@aol.com; madavis62@windstream.net)

And now, for a little class, how about some poetry?...

"I'm a little old lady
I live in a shoe
I have two hundred kids
With nothing to do!
So I came for some sperm
Like I did before
To have another two hundred,
But who's keeping score?" (retrometro@rogers.com)

"How often do I have sex?" Does that include by myself? (matt@boozemonkey.com)

Unkempt, Neatly Trimmed, or Shaven? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Look, if we're gonna try to sell your birthing video for $1,000,000 - we gotta make sure you look good.

So, do you come here often? (guitartexn@aol.com; ponytayl@cox.net)

When trying methods to get pregnant have you run the gamete? (maxcel200@aol.com) Ding ding ding - we have a winner for "best groaner" pun/wordplay of the year so far.

"Are you sure you want to bring more kids into the world who'll end up working at Taco Bell?" (tpanner@hotmail.com)

This info can also be found on the new MedicAlert Chastity Belt...we suggest you wear one, ma'am...

If you have octuplets, please indicate whom we should notify:

___ Your weird-ass mother

___ National Enquirer

___ Your movie agent

___ Anyone and everyone

___ Whoever brings cash (skibip@aol.com)

Here's something to ponder: If the Octomom has 10 grandkids, will she become a PentaGram?...

In the fine print..."We reserve the right to point and laugh." (wamii_69@yahoo.com)