Banter provided by Cad and Leis
(Updated 22 Mar 09)
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Really Bad Things On Your Fertility Clinic Questionnaire
Don't fill out this questionnaire if you think we're out to screw you. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Now, four obvious ones:
Do you know what Octo means? (email@example.com)
Do you currently, or have you ever had, delusions of being Angelina Jolie, replete with lots of kids? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Do you have an agent? (email@example.com; DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com)
Have you ever watched the classic sitcom, "Eight Is Enough"? (Airfarcewon@aol.com)
The name of the clinic is The Monica Lewinski & Bill Clinton Fertility Clinic. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
How do you like your eggs, boiled, poached, scrambled or sunny side up? (Airfarcewon@aol.com) In honor of Easter, I'll say "hidden".
Are you easily egged on? (email@example.com)
"No discounts for volume." (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) The "buy one, get one free Tuesdays" were cancelled, sorry.
Have you ever fertilized a plant? (firstname.lastname@example.org) Probably, I was pretty drunk in college!
In the "open wide and say 'ah ha!'" camp...
Are you sure you're doing it right? (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
You know it's not supposed to go in your mouth right? (DOrr221@comcast.net)
Are you aware that sperm does not reach a women's ovaries via her stomach? (email@example.com)
Actually "ON" your questionnaire? Eww, I'm not gonna say it. (firstname.lastname@example.org) Yeah...well that didn't stop email@example.com from saying it.
How important is the continuation of your blood line? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
(We don't really mean to insult your intelligence, but we do have to get this first question out of the way right off the bat.) Are you still a virgin? (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
And now, for a little class, how about some poetry?...
"I'm a little old lady
I live in a shoe
I have two hundred kids
With nothing to do!
So I came for some sperm
Like I did before
To have another two hundred,
But who's keeping score?" (email@example.com)
"How often do I have sex?" Does that include by myself? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Unkempt, Neatly Trimmed, or Shaven? (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Look, if we're gonna try to sell your birthing video for $1,000,000 - we gotta make sure you look good.
So, do you come here often? (email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org)
When trying methods to get pregnant have you run the gamete? (email@example.com) Ding ding ding - we have a winner for "best groaner" pun/wordplay of the year so far.
"Are you sure you want to bring more kids into the world who'll end up working at Taco Bell?" (firstname.lastname@example.org)
This info can also be found on the new MedicAlert Chastity Belt...we suggest you wear one, ma'am...
If you have octuplets, please indicate whom we should notify:
___ Your weird-ass mother
___ National Enquirer
___ Your movie agent
___ Anyone and everyone
___ Whoever brings cash (email@example.com)
Here's something to ponder: If the Octomom has 10 grandkids, will she become a PentaGram?...
In the fine print..."We reserve the right to point and laugh." (firstname.lastname@example.org)