Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 26 Aug 06)

Really Bad Signs It Just Might Be Too Hot To Have Sex

Unless you are burning in the flames of hell there is no such thing as "too hot to have sex". And even if you WERE burning in the flames of hell...could having sex make it worse? (

You start thinking the guy in the Sex Bomb video in the dot.comedy contest has the right idea --- work on ice! (

This topic is really going to be funny when you get around to changing it in December. ( Smartass. You want them updated sooner...send me money for a new laptop. Yeah...that's shut him up now.

You're trying to do it in a convertible with the top down and the windows open. (

Michael Jackson removes his glove before getting on the Ferris wheel... ( I did not...repeat NOT pick this don't send me any "I thought you weren't going to pick any more Michael Jackson entries" emails...send them to Leis!

Your wife of 25 years says "I don't want to, it's too hot!" and you realize that when you asked her the last time 6 months before, it was too cold. (

Boiling hot KY and melted condoms don't really do it for me. (

It kills the "atmosphere" when I, the "Queen Bitch", have to interrupt a session for the wimpy slob to "hydrate." ( Long live the Queen...

"I swear officer, we were just having sex and she exploded!" (

"We're leaving foot imprints on the dashboard, hon." (

Her silicon parts just melted. ( Hmmmm...silicon, huh?

Her silicone starts to melt. ( Ah...NOW it makes sense.

The only kind of stroke my penis is getting is "heat stroke". (

Is this a trick question? (

You must be a woman! A guy would be ready to go in an oil field blaze with the fat chick from Accounting if he thought he could get away with it. ( How do you think I was conceived?

The friction burns from sticking to my plastic, inflatable girlfriend was my first clue. (

She really DOES have a headache. ( You know, headache is one of the first signs of dehydration. Oh...I'm just not going to go there.

You're too hot and bothered to get hot and bothered. (

Touching her "down there" reminds you of that time you accidentally put your hand on the stove. (

All of the condoms in the box have been Vulcanized. (

You're Paris Hilton, according to her publicist. ( No no - that would be "YOU'RE Too Hot to Have Sex" in which case the correct response would also be "David Hasselhoff"...written IN, of course, by David Hasselhoff.

Heavy panting ensues even before foreplay. (;

Your bellies make them fart sounds even before you take your shirts off. ( Uh...nice...uh..."visual"?

Using the condoms for water balloons actually sounds like a better idea. (;

I'm married, it's always too hot, too cold, too late, too early, too tired, too sick... (

Remember how they used to say you could start a fire by rubbing two sticks together? Same concept, one less stick. (

You demonstrated to your wife that you could fry eggs on her ass. (

Me: Let's get all hot & sweaty together, babe!" She: "I already AM, stupid!" SLAP (

When you scream "I'm on fire!" at the climax, it's because you actually are. (

Your testicles have retreated up to your sinus cavities just for a little ventilation. ( Next time that happens...send me a picture for PhotoLaughs...on second thought...uh...don't.

Price of oil==>Price of electricity==>Cost to air condition bedroom==>Not only am I screwed, I'm not even GETTING screwed. (

Prostitutes ask to be paid in bags of ice. (

Little beads of sweat appear on your moustache-- and on your husband's too! ( The moustache doesn't bother me...but does it have to be a "Fu Manchu"?

A cold shower turns you on more than your date. (

For once, you HOPE she's frigid. (

The winners: other's still never TOO hot?...

You overhear Madonna saying, "Geez, it's too hot to have sex." (

I can be there in five minutes, with a 6-pack and a red marker...

I'm so sweaty, even my freckles are sliding off. (