Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 28 Oct 06)

Really Bad Signs You're Just Too Old for Trick or Treating

Candy givers keep trying to fill the bags under your eyes! (

The kids are more scared when your mask falls off. (;

When I buy a new costume, I get an AARP discount. (

You don't need make-up to create the illusion of a 5 'clock shadow for your hobo costume. ( Bad thing're female.

You "trick-or-treat" the delivery people from Meals on Wheels. (

TOO OLD?? Two words: Bite me! (Bucko@Mediacrity.HMO)

No matter what you wear as a costume, you are "Batman Zombie.." or "Snow White Zombie.." ( I'm more of a Rob Zombie...

You don't mind the apple the old lady down the street gives out. (

Michael Jackson won't give you any candy and invite you in. (

Your costume is from an adult novelty store. (

HELL, I'm ninety...tricks and treats have eluded me. DAMN IT ALL! ( Yes, he really is boys and girls...and HMO's proud of the fact he takes some time to hang out here.

The old R2D2 costume just doesn't fit like it used to. (

I don't go for the candy, I go for the MILFs. (

Dressing up like a dirty old man doesn't take much dressing up any more. (

Not having zits seems more important than the candy. ( ...Then you haven't been eating the right candy.

You have to put on your support hose and orthopedic shoes because that is just a lot of walking to do at your age. (

Are you crazy? There's a Matlock marathon on! (

The "octogenarian crack whore" costume doesn't seem to be going over very well with the neighborhood parents. (

You have to sit down and rest halfway up a steep driveway. ( But the good news is you have the money to pay some kid to Trick or Treat for you.

You aren't so much Baby New Year as you are incontinent. (

Superhero costumes don't come with suspenders. (

Kids not buying the "all the zombies wear BenGay" to cover the smell story..... (

"Come on, Lady! I prefer scotch over butterscotch candies." ( "Schnappes are TOO considered candy!"

Your tagline is "Trick or Treat or Can I use your toilet?" (;

You actually start thinking that all this candy might start rotting your teeth. (

I can't get my walker to work when I cut through yards. (

My trick or treat buddies are all in the cemetery, and they're not there for fun this year. (

Even Super PolyGrip doesn't keep your Dracula fangs from falling out. (

The winners:

Hmmm....and why is my car parked here???...

Your kids go back to the same doors for more candy, but you go to the same doors because you can't remember if you were already there. (

And if that wasn't bad enough...

You ring your own doorbell and don't know why nobody answers. (