Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 3 Apr 06)

Really Bad Signs You Are Not Exactly Romantic

"Red tide's been pretty bad this year - let's go to the beach and try to find some cool-looking dead fish!" (brat.cat@verizon.net)

Can we take a little break? I just thought of an entry for HMO. (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

Your idea of foreplay consists of "Pull my finger" and if nothing bad happens it's ok to "Do it". (L1061s@GO.COM) I tried that with a leper, so he gave me the finger. Relax, relax, I returned it to him.

The flowers you brought her have a banner across the front that reads "Grandmother" and they came with a handy easel stand. (holtbolt@comcast.net)

You get your wife's lingerie from an Internet site called Beulah's Botique and Bait Shop. (guitartexn@aol.com) Ooooh...so many good slogans...so little space.

If you don't realize cigarettes do not count as candles; the beer in your hand is not wine; and that potato chips do not constitute a romantic dinner. (ghandi256@gmail.com)

My idea of the perfect honeymoon is, well, you know.....mooning your honey! (skibip@aol.com)

Your mentor is Christopher Walken's "Continental" character from SNL. (candaceelder2002@yahoo.com)

When an obscene phone caller says "What are you wearing?" you say: "My New York Mets tee shirt and my old grey sweat pants. Why do you ask?" (AuntShecky711@aol.com) If you mention the grey granny-panties, I may propose to you!

You suggest to your wife that, since money is tight, it might be a good idea to just forget about anniversary gifts for awhile. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Your poetry tends to start off with: "Our love is like a cactus plant, which blooms and blooms and blooms...We're happier now that we've shacked up, than all those brides and grooms!" (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

You plan your honeymoon to coincide with free cheese month in Wisconsin... (agapeagent@yahoo.com) The fact there's "free cheese month" is bad enough...the fact you know about it...is worse.

When he says I love you and you say "Huh? Did you say something? Shhh, CSI is on." (ltldollclaudia@yahoo.com)

You start your proposal speech with, 'Well, your belly-swelling is getting a little hard to hide so I thought..' (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

Bought the wife a treadmill for her birthday. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) Good thing there's room for a pillow on the part you stand on...you'll be sleeping there for several months...

As the two of you are gazing at a spectacular sunset, you complain that your "stupid" sunglasses don't filter out enough orange. (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Jeez....I thought my girl would be happy with fruit flavoured condoms as a St. Valentine's Day gift ??? (sheafitz1@netscape.com) She was...but the guy was happier.

When the check comes at dinner you ask "So are you kickin' in half or puttin' out later?" (MrglsJon@aol.com)

You buy your girlfriend 'Saw' for Valentine's Day. (lynder_mh@yahoo.com) "I just love you to pieces, honey!"

Your Xbox/PS2 get more pampering and attention than your girlfriend. (moonlight_rainstorm@yahoo.com)

You come home to your wife dressed in a sexy negligee and dozens of lighted candles all over the house and all you can think to say is "Aw, dammit! Did we lose the power again?!" (tpanner@hotmail.com)

The winners:

"And your body hair is practically unnoticeable!!!"...

You tell your date on the dance floor, "Gosh! You sweat less than anyone else I've ever gone out with!" (rod.renner@juno.com)

Awwww...you sentimental fool...nah...just "fool"...

On your 25th anniversary, you take her to Denny's because that's where you proposed to her. (phaartking@yahoo.com)