Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 3 Feb 07)

Really Bad Signs Your Family Is More Dysfunctional Than Others

Were told by the producers of "Jerry Springer", our appearance on the show would offend the standards of their viewers. (

The only one your mailman DOESN'T fear is the family dog! (

Mother unhinges jaw in order to swallow older, more feminine brother. (

Your favorite bedtime story was, "The Little Engine That Never Will, Because The Lazy Bastard Has Been A Disappointment To His Parents Since Day One." ( Not sure if that was as bad as the one read to me: "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry".

Mom builds a little shrine to Ryan Seacrest in the broom closet. (

Your therapist has now retired after selling each of your sessions as plot lines to TV comedy and soap ghost writers. (

We have no dishes or silverware in the house ( No no's DYSfunctional, not DISH-functional!!

When the American Psychiatric Association lists a new psychotic disorder carrying your family name and defines it as "a profound lack of function; without function; non-functional." ( Hey, we have a function...without people like us, you'd be classifeid as less sane. Keep that in mind.

We each have a personal cell phone and ax. (

"Go away, you little pest! Never mind the name of this website! I can't order you a popsicle online!" (

We can't even agree that we ARE dysfunctional ( Yes, but at least you're talking...not like poor Pooty here...

At the family reunion no one recognizes each other. ( ...or worse yet...

Even as a little kid, I always dreamed of being an orphan. (

We'd scare the neighbors in the mornings. We go outside and just before they start their cars, we put our fingers in our ears. (

About half of our income comes from bets that our family is more dysfunctional than others. (

Argue over the size tip at Taco Bell. ( Tip of what? The pinkie finger in the chili??

My sister and I keep trying to convince our dad not to divorce Mom, just to marry our newly-feminized aunt, reminding him that even though Mom still has six more years in the can, she's not only better in the sack, but also has that uncannily psychotic ability to track any one of us down even if we've blacked out in the restroom of some small town pub the next county over. Now that's love!! (

It was almost two years after he died that they finally buried my Siamese twin. (

During holiday get-togethers, we don't loosen our belts after the meal - because we're not wearing any. (

Psychiatrist is on single-digit speed dial. ( He gets here faster than Domino's.

We had five pet dogs in five years and each of those years we had five weird dinners. (

The family member with the most rat's asses gets to use the false teeth at dinner. (

Drug companies call us to learn about interactions. (

The documentary made about your family by the Biography Channel has the tagline: "The Family That Makes the Brando's Look Normal." ( Hey family trumps Brando' fact he was probably cautioning his own with a line he says in 'The Godfather', "Never let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking."

Iran denies the existence of our family. (

You have more interventions than birthday parties. (

"Don't you backsass me, boy...I may be your uncle, but I'm still your father!" (

You know every police officer and federal marshal in your county by name but have never seen their faces. The flack gear is always in the way. ( I write all their badge numbers down inside little hearts that I draw.

Everybody thinks your family portraits are Picassos. (

When dad started drinking we had our own terror-level alerts. (

At Christmas, we don't exchange presents, we exchange gunfire. (

Jesus! They find one mass graveyard in your backyard and suddenly your family is "dysfunctional." Thank you liberal media! (

No one eats with utensils at the dinner table because everyone is on suicide watch. ( Sporks are soooo highly overrated anyway.

You all wake up on the wrong side of the bed...together. (

Every attempt at playing a nice civilized game of "Mad Libs" always ends in jail time for everyone. (

You dial 911 and they answer "Now what?!!" (

No crazy uncles in our family - we murdered them all. (

I don't know why I'm playing this stupid game, I could be kicking the crap out of my in-laws. (

The winners:

Radiation's like spinach--it's good for ya...

Instead of letting the kids watch TV, you make them sit and watch the microwave oven. (

Sounds logical to, wait, I didn't mean that...

I say, "potato," she says, "divorce." (