Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 6 Aug 06)

Really Bad Signs You're Not Cut Out To Be A Pirate

I wouldn't want to live in Pittsburgh. (steve_medel@oxy.com)

You get sea-sick on the log ride. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

You don't own a single puffy shirt. (JTulli@Juno.com; tpanner@hotmail.com) You've watched Seinfeld, right?

When other pirates ask about your booty, it has nothing to do with treasure. (TvOrNotTv1@aol.com)

You wear patches over both eyes. (vinyllover45@yahoo.com; tpanner@hotmail.com)

You've got termites in your peg leg. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) ...no, I'm just happy to see you, matey!

Your parrot only speaks German. (cdmauger@aol.com)

You sheepishly refrain from entering and plundering an enemy ship when they tell you that you don't have a boarding pass. (maxcel200@aol.com)

You only use "Yo Ho!" to call your baby's mamma. (holtbolt@comcast.net)

You just can't find the right style of pirate suit to wear from Armani. (rod.renner@juno.com)

Your parrot has four legs and says, "Meow". (Megasuss@hotmail.com)

Your name is Captain Mauve-beard. (cdmauger@aol.com)

You got sea-sick just watching Waterworld. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Oh...didn't we all...no, wait...that's "see sick".

You have all limbs and are unable to grow facial hair or properly enunciate landlubber. You roll your R's like a Frenchman and smell of Jasmine in the evenings, you are an active member of DADD or MADD (Dad's or Mom's against drunk driving) and you are infatuated with oral health. (j_perreaux@hotmail.com)

Just try to say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," when you're Japanese. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net) All together now: Awwwwwww

Hook hand on a chronic masturbator...is not a good combination. (Truckerex@insightbb.com)

The only booty you're interested in plundering belongs to Jennifer Lopez. (grumpchong@gmail.com)

You forgot the combination to Davy Jones' locker. (TvOrNotTv1@aol.com)

You giggle when you hear the words "poop deck." (scalpel@aol.com) Not if you're the guy swabbing up the mess, you don't!

You think swabbing the deck is obtaining a urological culture. (luganrn77@yahoo.com)

Your parrot keeps embarrassing you by saying "Polly want a light salad with a wedge of cantaloupe." (tpanner@hotmail.com)

To you, "pillager" is synonymous with "pharmacist." (tphyll@aol.com) "Pieces of Eight" to you?...Strictly about milligrams.

You wear an earpatch. (JTulli@Juno.com)

Your "ARGH" is usually followed by a wheezy cough. (MindgameFiziks@hotmail.com)

Even Rum-flavoured LifeSavers lead you straight to uncontrollable, projectile-vomiting. (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

Being from Boston, I can't pronounce "Argh!" correctly. (marieracewalks@hotmail.com)

You primarily use your hook for making afghans and baby booties. (cdmauger@aol.com) Use a lot of yarrrrn, do ya? (Oh...I had to...I'm sorry.)

You refer to the skull-and-crossbones flag as "The Jolly Rancher." (tphyll@aol.com)

I have a hook but it's not on my arm! (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

You mistakenly assert that you specialize in making doubloon animals. (JTulli@Juno.com) No small feat with that pointy hook on neither.

The only thing that scares you more than blood is water. (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

No way am I going to cover this perfect mullet with a bandana! (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

The winners:

At the concession stand, I order Davy Jones' Liquor, yarrrrrrrrr...

You are too young to go to movies that are rated "Arrrrrr!" (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

Well...I couldn't decide between these two for the win...and instead of having one 'walk the plank', so to speak, I chose them both...

The only cutlass I've ever seen was in an auto repair shop. (AuntShecky711@aol.com)

You never got the peg leg and hook you won on eBay ... even though you paid an arm and a leg for them! (luganrn77@yahoo.com)