Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 6 Aug 06)

Really Bad Signs You're Not Cut Out To Be A Pirate

I wouldn't want to live in Pittsburgh. (

You get sea-sick on the log ride. (

You don't own a single puffy shirt. (; You've watched Seinfeld, right?

When other pirates ask about your booty, it has nothing to do with treasure. (

You wear patches over both eyes. (;

You've got termites in your peg leg. (, I'm just happy to see you, matey!

Your parrot only speaks German. (

You sheepishly refrain from entering and plundering an enemy ship when they tell you that you don't have a boarding pass. (

You only use "Yo Ho!" to call your baby's mamma. (

You just can't find the right style of pirate suit to wear from Armani. (

Your parrot has four legs and says, "Meow". (

Your name is Captain Mauve-beard. (

You got sea-sick just watching Waterworld. ( Oh...didn't we, wait...that's "see sick".

You have all limbs and are unable to grow facial hair or properly enunciate landlubber. You roll your R's like a Frenchman and smell of Jasmine in the evenings, you are an active member of DADD or MADD (Dad's or Mom's against drunk driving) and you are infatuated with oral health. (

Just try to say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," when you're Japanese. ( All together now: Awwwwwww

Hook hand on a chronic not a good combination. (

The only booty you're interested in plundering belongs to Jennifer Lopez. (

You forgot the combination to Davy Jones' locker. (

You giggle when you hear the words "poop deck." ( Not if you're the guy swabbing up the mess, you don't!

You think swabbing the deck is obtaining a urological culture. (

Your parrot keeps embarrassing you by saying "Polly want a light salad with a wedge of cantaloupe." (

To you, "pillager" is synonymous with "pharmacist." ( "Pieces of Eight" to you?...Strictly about milligrams.

You wear an earpatch. (

Your "ARGH" is usually followed by a wheezy cough. (

Even Rum-flavoured LifeSavers lead you straight to uncontrollable, projectile-vomiting. (

Being from Boston, I can't pronounce "Argh!" correctly. (

You primarily use your hook for making afghans and baby booties. ( Use a lot of yarrrrn, do ya? (Oh...I had to...I'm sorry.)

You refer to the skull-and-crossbones flag as "The Jolly Rancher." (

I have a hook but it's not on my arm! (

You mistakenly assert that you specialize in making doubloon animals. ( No small feat with that pointy hook on neither.

The only thing that scares you more than blood is water. (

No way am I going to cover this perfect mullet with a bandana! (

The winners:

At the concession stand, I order Davy Jones' Liquor, yarrrrrrrrr...

You are too young to go to movies that are rated "Arrrrrr!" (

Well...I couldn't decide between these two for the win...and instead of having one 'walk the plank', so to speak, I chose them both...

The only cutlass I've ever seen was in an auto repair shop. (

You never got the peg leg and hook you won on eBay ... even though you paid an arm and a leg for them! (