Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 6 Mar 07)

Really Bad Cellphone Features

The really cool one that doesn't work on the phone I have because last week's model is now obsolete...and I'll need to sign another 2 year agreement. (

Smeller ID (;

It comes with a High Definition screen, but you won't notice it. ( Well, you "definitely" say "hi" a lot using one. Okay...lame. I know...but I meant it to be. :)

Minutes counter that looks like a gauge of parents face turning red from getting mad when you go over the plan minutes. (

Mother-in-law redial. ( Hmmm...think it might discourage her visits?

Pays for itself. . .by posting naked pictures of you on the Internet. (

And for those aurally obsessed callers...

A camera in the earpiece so you know when it's time to trim the ear hair. (

Antenna doubles as a Q-tip. (

"Bluetooth" that actually makes your teeth blue too. (

A new security feature...the Hideaway button. You press it and your phone disappears, and when you want it back...oh :-( ( I call it "The Bermuda Triangulator".

The vibrate feature comes with warming oil. (

Two-sided tape, that way you can literally have it stuck to your ear. (

Caller I.Q. ( For a lot of people, this could wind up being cheaper than paying by the minute.

That stupid cutesy ringtone your girlfriend forced you to put on your phone so you'd know it was her. (

You can do the NY Times crossword puzzle on it. (This is especially attractive to people driving SUVs on crowded roads during rush hour.) (

Eight-minute ringtone that plays "Stairway to Heaven" in its entirety. ( Well...could be worse...could be "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". Yeah...Google THAT all you young people...damn you! Not that I'm bitter for being old...ER than you. Well...not much.

My cell is of the Nixon era technology. You run out of quarters, you can't make a call. (

Automatic dropped call counter. (

Call reversing...this is where you send the call back to the caller, so that they think they are getting another call. ( ...especially useful for punishing telemarketers!!

GPS Husband-Tracking System with BarCam. (

Pushbutton for sending Morse Code. (

The winners:

Okay...for most people who hold it the conventional way - it would be a side one...but for those others who hold their cellphone out in front of their faces, who look totally idiotic by the way (oh, please...don't even disagree...did you ever see anyone do this??)'d get the front-facing variety...

Deploys airbag when you cause an accident by talking on the phone while driving. (

I can't do half that stuff, and I'M a human...

Can't play MP3's, take pictures, play games, take video, surf the web, text message, send e-mail, or download ring tones. It will only send and receive calls. And you call that a phone? (