Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 7 Feb 06)

Really Bad Titles for Sex Books/Manuals

Oh, you naughty little sex monkeys...I think you sent in at least twice the amount of entries we usually get for this contest...hopefully this trend will continue.

"The Mens' Guide to Understanding Womens' Sexual Needs. - Ha! - Ha! - Haha! - Hahahahaha!" (monacof@bellsouth.net)

The Leather-Bound Guide To Bondage and Domination (candaceelder2002@yahoo.com)

In. Out. Repeat. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com; Kamasushi@gmail.com) Gosh...I hope at one point you "rinse".

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Cough Cough Wheeze: Sexual techniques for those over 60 (tpanner@hotmail.com)

My Life, Bill Clinton. (dorr@jam.rr.com) Yeah yeah...these Clinton jokes won't stop until he dies.

Several More Positions* * Possible side-effects include death, broken bones, rotator cuff injuries, permanent diarrhea, and/or frequent nasal discharge. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Sex for American Catholics: The Shame, The Guilt, and Getting Pregnant Every Time (DaphnetheRed@yahoo.com) Hey...I have you know I've done it at least three times and only have two kids.

The Birds and Bees Don't Do It Missionary Style. Why Should We? (tpanner@hotmail.com)

Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask Your Kids (maxcel200@aol.com)

"Q & A for T & A" (guitartexn@aol.com) You sure this isn't already some advice column in Penthouse?

Australian Sex, Or How To Go Down Under (tphyll@aol.com)

"Asparagus" It's More Than Food (Eleman8859@aol.com) ...and it goes great with "pork".

How to Dress Up Your Hand to Look More Appealing (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Sex with a Passed Out Woman: A Guide (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

The Yankee "Hand"book...Guys You Can Do This Alone (Cantw82paint@Aol.com) Why, that's the second "masturbation" entry you've sent...are you trying to tell us something?

On Pins and Needles: How to Deal With a Thin Penis (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

To Serve Man (topsquark@yahoo.com) Yeah yeah...always men...you men and you're sex. It's like I'm stuck in some Twilight Zone episode or something.

The New Lemon-Scented Joy of Sex (or, "Look Ma, No Dish Pan Hands!") (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Just Get It Over With (ukkfayooyay@aol.com) Hey, didn't you just get married not too long ago? Hmmmm....

Coitus George Pitches a Tent (sootnmoopy@aol.com)

101 Positions Madonna Hasn't Tried Yet (archerjoe@hotmail.com) Position No. 1: The Missionary Position

No Pictures, No Diagrams, Just a Textbook About Human Reproduction (cdmauger@aol.com)

Grandma's Guide to Hot Monkey Sex (L1061S@go.com) Think about this, the next time she offers you a cookie!

The Sperm Count Of Monte Cristo (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

How to Have Sex for Fun and Profit (agapeagent@yahoo.com; tphyll@aol.com) But is "dinner and a movie" considered "fun" or "profit"?

Sex? Just Say "Know" (tphyll@aol.com)

Mr. Peepers Guide to Erotic Sex (rod.renner@juno.com) Oh right...like why not set up a "Wally Cox" joke for me?

The Benefits of Marriage (beachboy200@yahoo.com)

The Haliburton Manual on How to Screw the Entire U.S. (tphyll@aol.com)

When Women Leave the Kitchen: A Guide to the Art of Mating (catbiddle@brown.edu) A companion guide to "Put Your Shoes On Honey, It's Time To Go To The Hospital"?

It's Better to Think Inside the Box (tphyll@aol.com)

Threesomes: I'm Ok, You're Ok, But Who the Hell is THIS? (AuntShecky711@aol.com) This is a bad time to reveal your claustrophobia, too.

"The Kamakamakamakamakamasuuuuuutra" - Boy George version. (guitartexn@aol.com)

Aiming Of The Screw (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Getting Stanky on My Hangdown for Dummies (deweywins@yahoo.com)

"Having Good Sex With Drew Carey" by Drew Carey (megan.renner@juno.com) Thank you SOOO much for that lovely visual.

Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex That You Learned From Your Dad's Internet History (guitartexn@aol.com)

The Carrot: Nature's Little Surrogate (tpanner@hotmail.com) Somehow I now have a naughty version of "Veggie Tales" coursing thru my mind.

69 More Positions Your Wife Will Never Try (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Sighs Really Do Matter (tphyll@aol.com)

The winners:

This week's entries were SO tasteful and subtle...

Ben wah and say ahh! (Yakamush@aol.com)

Yeah...I figured we'd get a response like this...

Master that Johnson (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com)