Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 7 May 08)

Welcome back, Leis!

Really Bad Redneck Wedding Vows

Do you take your sister to be your unlawful wedded wife and sister-in-law? (

I will honor her more than my bowling trophy, I will treat her better than my Chevy truck, and I promise from now on the only white-tail I will be a-huntin' will be deer. (

I take this weapon above all others until they pry it from my cold, dead hands. Isn't this the kind of vow you'd hear at a shotgun wedding? ( Jus' don't be shootin' blanks on yer honeymoon, know whaddamean, Vern?

I do promise to finish sixth grade. (

When we have sex night, I promise I will let you have a turn wearing the white hood. (

And I promise not to hit on your momma or your sister, which I guess is pretty much the same thing. (

I promise to get a new six pack outta the garage when I take the last can. ( Man, Billy Bob, I wish I could train my huntin' dog to do what yer Britney does...almos' brings a tear to my eye.

Do you take this cousin to be your lawfully wedded wife. ( Git 'er done!

Fathers, you may load your shotguns... (

I vow that I'll never take pictures of you at a bath tub party again. (

I promise to make you and your buddies all the toast and Cheez Wiz I'll want during the NASCAR races. (

I, Billy Bob, promise to git-r-done. (; Wooohooo! How many more pictures you got left on dat fancy pre-paid cellphone dere?

And if our marriage should ever end, we shall still be brother and sister. (

Do you promise to keep no more dogs than you can afford to feed, or than you can afford to loose when the porch collapses? (

Mooooooooooooo. ( This is just udderly wrong.

'Aww hell, you know I ain't good at speeches Sis...' (

'Til tornado parteth the double wide. (

I promise never to tell you about the time I did you and yer sister in the same night. ( Daaayum...I shoulda done used that one in mah vows...Lorna Lou never woulda found out then.

I promise to love, honor and obey that "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem" sign yer paw has at his bait shop. (

Pastor: Do you both vow to the almighty, you do not have similar DNA? ( Ummmm...define "similar" similar would be TOO much?

I promise not to wrassle your sister in the nude no more. (

I promise to four-sake no others, 'cause y'all know I can't count that high. (

I promise never to break her achy breaky heart. ( Din't I done tell ya he were romantic, Bettie Sue?

I promise not to name ALL our kids after Dale Earnhardt. (

I promise never to be on COPS without a shirt on. (

The winners:

And when I say Jell-O, I mean that generic crap they sell at Sam's Club...and uh...when I say Smirnoff, I mean Costco's "Kirkland" drink up and celebrate, we bought a damn big case of 'em both to get rid of by tonite. "Hey, Tiffani-Ann, where's dem cond-O-ment containers you done stuck down yer pants when we went to Hardee's...we need to make some more Shooters, here!"...

To have and to hold... your hair while you puke after drinking way too many Smirnoff jello shooters. (

You won't need to pay for a full seat at this wedding, 'cause you'll only be usin' THE EDDDDGE:

With all my heart my darling. This SUNDAY!, SUNDAY!!, SUNDAY!!!! (