Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 10 Aug 04)

Really Bad Signs You Should Never Have Even Qualified For The Olympics

You have to stop to rest due to the long walk to the starting line. (

You knew Hercules in his prime. (

You think "Fencing" involves chain-link; "Javelin" is a 1960's AMC car; "Rhythmic Gymnastics" is some form of Catholic sex; "Single Sculls" is what's left of "poor Yorick"; "Marathon" is an oil company; and Athens is in Georgia. ( Hey, without Athens, Georgia, we never would have had R.E.M. or the B-52's.

In the high diving competition you notice that you are the only non-swimming double amputee, with vertigo. (

Your urine is purple. ( It matches the veins in my legs....

Not finding the area for competitors in the watermelon seed spitting venue (

While at the 100-yard tryouts, you only ran that fast because you thought that was a real gunshot. ( Your other problem is that you're still running yards and not meters.

I'm reading this website, right? (

You show up at the Nike offices looking for sponsorship, and they tell you deliveries are made in the back. (

The prefix "Billy-" appears before your own name. (

Your breakfast cereal is called Steroidios. ( The official cereal of the WWE.

You entered the synchronized swimming competition with your conjoined twin. (

Fourteen drug companies ask for your endorsement based on personal use. (

You think shaving your head for the 100 meter sprint in order to be more aerodynamic... is a lot of balder dash! ( Okay, are now officially ahead in our unofficial "bad pun of the year" contest.

On the way home, your mom beat you to the car. (

Your track-and-field captain insists that you anchor the "Javelin-Catching" event. (

You're Canadian. ( What's that all aboot, ay?

You ask if you should bring you own nails to the hammer throw event, or will the Olympic committee supply them. (

When your sponsors are Krispy Kreme and Domino's. (;

It turns out the invitation you received to represent Luxembourg was spam. ( Uh oh...I guess I won't be getting the nifty jacket then, huh?

Other athletes fail the drug test just because you shook their hands. (

I actually have boobs! ( The fact you're a guy makes this doubly troubling.

While standing in the starting line for the hurdle race, you yell over to the officials, "You know, it would be a lot easier to make it around the track without all those little fences in the way!" (

Your previous wrestling experience always involved mud. (

The winners...

On the bright side, the neighborhood IS quieter....

You practice your shot-put with that noisy kid down the street. (

If you are like me...and an Olympic-sized talker, you'll need this...

The only 'sprint' you ever won was for a free month of telephone service. (