Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 10 Feb 03)

Really Bad Things In the Fine Print of Your Apartment Lease

Tenant agrees to transfer his soul to my master, the dark lord of mourning, hereafter "Century 21" within twelve days of termination of lease. (

We reserve the right to barge in anytime we feel the need to, especially if you are in the shower, have company of the opposite sex, at 3 am, etc. (

Whatever religion you are, you must convert from that to the cult of the landlord. ( Great, I now worship "Stan the Plunger God".

Rent is payable on the first of every month. Maintenance is done the first day of every year. (

Your landlord's teenage son and his punk rock band are allowed to use your spare bedroom for practice. (

If whatever you are doing in bed can be heard through the wall in the unit next door, you have to invite them over for a foursome. ( Good thing we're so passionate about cribbage!

In the event of a flash flood, thunderstorm, volcanic eruption, shark attack, forest fire, alien invasion, nuclear attack, or smallpox outbreak-please make use of our complimentary first-aid kit. All Leases are standing in these situations. (

You agree that cockroaches are an endangered species and should not be harmed or removed from their natural habitat. (

Use of the Community Room by tenants is by reservation only, with local crack dealers and whores having first priority. ( ...and by "Community Room" we mean "your apartment".

Manager reserves the right to sneak in during the night and watch you while you sleep. (

The gerbil clause. (Trust me, you don't want to know.) (

We have the right to enter your apartment and enjoy what we please! ( Cool, you can start with the dishes in the sink...followed by the tub and bathroom tiles...

Cleaning expenses to remove all blood stains will be deducted from security deposit. (

Not responsible for the any large creatures you may see. It's just the asbestos they've been eating. (

The Lessee, hereafter referred to as the "Sucker" shall... ( You mean this isn't standard?

Heat and hot water are naturally occurring phenomenon and not the responsibility of the landlord. (

Paragraph 75, Subsection 3, Paragraph 5.2: Tenant shall have no right to profits made from the video sales of "Apartment 302's Shower Gone Wild." ( "Hey, I've seen you on t.v.!!!!!"

We are not responsible for any repairs since the building has been condemned. (

No Pets: You'll be cleaning up after ours. (

The camera that was installed in the bathroom, "for your protection", must not be disconnected. ( Instead of that nifty white paper thing, there's a yellow "Crime Scene -- Do Not Cross" one...what's up with that?

No re-reading of the apartment lease. (

The winners:

Hmmmm...I hope it's just the radon acting up again...

Not responsible for lost hair or yellowing skin. (

You'd be surprised how often I hear this:

Your apartment is centered over an Ancient Indian Burial Ground. (