Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 10 Jul 03)

Really Bad Signs Your Town/City Will Never Be Chosen To Host An Olympics

World famous for "The World's Largest Hand Dug Well" (I'm Serious). (

The locals balked at having their Dukes of Hazard flag removed to fly the Olympic Rings. (

Your city's only TV sportscaster is an overweight midget who smokes. ( Sure, it seems funny, but just you wait 'til I get his pot o' gold!

Public restrooms only have 'trough' urinals (in both Mens AND Ladies rooms). (

No hometown athletes left here in Ciudad Juarez. They all jumped, swam and ran north of the border. (

It finished #3,000,001 on this year's list of the world's 3 Million Most Livable Cities. (  Just remember...that way...there is always room for improvement.

They think a biathlon is a big sale. (

The streets are still littered with engine blocks from the "Redneck Oylmpiks". (

When getting your eyebrow piercing and his nose ring untangled is considered an Olympic sport and draws a large crowd to your corner... ( Okay, is anyone else wondering why their eyebrows and noses were making contact to begin with?

Your state slogan is "You got pretty lips, boy" (

The whole town was just listed for sale on eBay. (

Your town's security plan consists of Enos checking to see that the guys fishing down at the pond haven't caught over their limit. ( We used to have a guy on the news telling us how the crappie is biting...can ya top that???

Because you cant walk one block from your house without seeing someone in their underwear wondering when "MacGyver" is coming back on TV. (

Your town's so small, the Olympic Village would have to be built in the basement of the VFW. ( Well, at least it has an Olympic-sized pool...table.

Hell with it . . . we're trying to get Burning Man. (

Still has a few millenia till that darn Uranium 236 dies down a bit. (

Olympic Torch would be eclipsed by the Eternally Burning Pile of Tires. ( Nothing more fun in life than to visit the "Tire Pyre".

They just closed your last Post Office due to "lack of activity". (

Bribery money is all tied up in construction kickbacks. (

The winners:

So lighting the torch won't be a problem:

Your town is just a hop, skip, and a jump from Three Mile Island Nuclear Power Plant. (

The human drama of athletic get that last parking space...

Citizens up in arms about the location of the Olympic stadium because it will "really screw up the parking at the Tastee-Freeze". (