Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 10 Jul 05)

Really Bad Jobs In the Afterlife

Assigned to the job of making certain your husband/wife or ex is truly happy with their new spouse. (WJKbase@aol.com)

Moses' caddy. (bucknorman47@yahoo.com)

White cloud clean up after Taco Tuesdays. (guitartexn@aol.com)

Formal introductions to newcomers..."Mr. Bill Smithers, this is Tammy Welborne, Larry Kidderton, Roscoe Ledbetter, Barney Finklestein...." (ParisIuvsMe@aol.com) This might take a while.

"The whole guardian angel gig is great, but why did I have to get Robby Knievel? Oh $h!t! I gotta go!" (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

Changing the Cherubim. (atwright73@yahoo.com; cmndrnineveh@aol.com) Holy crap! (Awww, don't give me that look…y'all were thinking the same thing!)

Coal Stokers Who Keep the Hell Fires Burning. No modern heat systems here. Lawyers and politicians are the majority shovel handlers. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

Suck-up to God. "Hey, have you lost weight?" "Lookin' good big guy." etc... (tpanner@inorbit.com) Just in case God is reading this: Leis picked this, honest...he did...take it out on him.

Explaining to new arrivals why there's no sex in Heaven. (tphyll@aol.com)

Complaints Department in Hell. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Guy who has to explain, "Yes, you really are dead", and "No, this is not heaven over and over and over and ov... (Kamasushi@gmail.com) The doorman to Hell? Wonder what THAT job pays…

Special Effects Coordinator: Your job is to cue the thunder and lightning each time the Boss makes a significant statement. (razcactus@netzero.com)

Washing dishes in Hell's kitchen. (saxmann361@aol.com)

Official cloud fluffer. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) No, no...not THAT type of fluffer. Think nice CLEAN thoughts...sheesh!

Rounding up used up souls willing to go back to Earth keeping Dick Cheney alive. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

Elevator operator between heaven and hell--overloaded going down, lonely going up. (rod.renner@juno.com)

Life Insurance Salesperson (L1061S@go.com; maxcel200@aol.com)

Polishing the brass on the pearly gates. (tpanner@inorbit.com; razcactus@netzero.com) Um...aren't they made of PEARL??

Royal taster for Satan's bath water. (stan@squidworks.com)

Fireman in Hell. (scice@aol.com; rod.renner@juno.com) Hey, if Denis Leary's there, count me in. "Ooooh put me out baby...I'm sooooo HOT!' Okay, I'll stop now....sigh.

Counting souls earmarked for Hell in your assigned district -- Washington D.C. (stan@squidworks.com)

Lawyer wrangler. (monetmonet@artlover.com)

Sperm herder, 'cause, you know, they're all sacred. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Somehow, I knew this topic would bring out the Monty Python fans.

Stewardess on the road to hell..."have a nice afterlife, have a nice afterlife,..." (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Cruise Activity Director on the FABULOUS FUN SHIP OF THE DAMNED. Now accepting bookings for spring 2006. (richdiandkids@optonline.net) Everyone sing! "Come aboard...we're expecting YOU!" Bwaaaahaaaahaahaaaaa!

Painting Beezlebub's toenails with the blood of the damned. Because he's NEVER happy with the color. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

You get a free pass from hell but you have to live with a scorned woman. (humorbear@aol.com) Uh oh...this entry's making me think. Head hurts...hurts....

Being the guy that has to constantly shove the pineapples up Hitler's ass. (amfpsych@aol.com)

Damage Control Team when all hell breaks loose. (humorbear@aol.com)

The winners:

Well, there goes my appetite for KFC...

Wing clipper (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

"Awww, c'mon guys, you are supposed to be on your best behaviour. Whaddya mean this IS your best behaviour??"...

Keeping the house band from sinning: Jim Morrison, Keith Moon, John Bonham, Sid Vicious...etc. (flynnkj19@aol.com)