Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 10 Nov 05)

Really Bad Signs Your House Is Too Cluttered

You are contacted by what you believe is one of those "home make-over" shows, only it turns out to be "Mythbusters"; they want to find out just how much crap it takes to make a floor collapse. (

I would have entered sooner, but I couldn't find my keyboard. (

You live in a shoe and you have so many children you don't know what to do. (

Piles and piles of rejection slips from Cad are everywhere. Oh and the entries to HMO, too. (

A Geiger counter is getting readings off your carpet. (

The rats got together and had a yard sale. (

The knickknacks now spill over into the tchotckes. (

Bedroom, bathroom, what's the difference. ( Um, remind me NOT to sleep over.

You get home and the rats have left you a note, 'We did the dishes this time, Jesus Christ man, do you ever clean ANYTHING?' (

Looking for your favorite sweater you trip over the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. (

FEMA offers help after Hurricane Katrina...and you live in Arizona! (

When "Spring Cleaning" takes 6 months (

The Collyer brothers' mail gets forwarded to you. ( Hey, but I'm saving it up so they can read it later.

You've gotten into the habit of stepping aside when you open the front case you get hit by something falling out. ( See above.

You need a GPS tracking system in order to find the bathroom. (;

Can't find your keys because you can't find the room you left them in. (

The Discovery Channel shows up for a house makeover and passes your place by thinking it was the set from Sanford and Son. ( Let us all pray that this remains the one sitcom NOT turned into a Hollywood film.

Just made the cover of "Better Dumps and Hovels". (

Your attic is now your master bedroom. (

A picture of your living room was used as a image for PhotoLaughs. ( Sorry, can't find it now...but it has to be around here SOMEPLACE.

You believe that if you have LOADS of stuff...hey...a burglar wouldn't be able to take everything! (

It is now actually illegal for you to clean as your house has been declared a protected habitat for endangered fungus. (

Your neighbors petition the county commissioners to condemn and take your property for the new waste dump to improve the neighborhood values. (

The Cat Lady laughs at you. (

My new entertainment system comes with 142 remote controls, with 58 actually accounted for at any one time. (

Your vacationing relatives don't even stay over. ( Explain to me how that's really BAD!

You didn't take down the Christmas tree last year because you were lazy, you just couldn't find it. (

You open the window and still feel debris! (

You can hear your spouse complaining about the mess, you just can't find where its coming from. ( Well, it's not so much that you CAN'T find...just that you don't bother looking.

You have three of "NET ZERO" floppy's. (

You ask guests to remove their shoes at the door.. to don climbing boots. (

You ask a salesperson at Home Depot if any of their lawn tractors have indoor attachments (

Every Thursday a Castilian-accented Explorer steps in, plants a flag in a random pile in your living room, and boldly claims it for Spain. ( Are they saffron coloured? Maybe it's just Christo working on another "art" project.

You are getting divorced and you ex-wife lets you keep the house. (

The only way to clear the junk out is to give it away as prizes on your humor website. (

It's not clutter! If Cosmo calls it "personalizing your space," then that's good enough for me. ;) (

The winners:

Yes, as them trashing the place would actually be an improvement...

When you go out of town, your kids refuse to throw a party there out of embarrassment. (

And the winner for 'Entry Leis Had To Consult A Dictionary The Most For' goes to...

An amorphous life-form has evolved in the garage and is now sending ravenous pseudopods into the breakfast nook. (