Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 11 Jul 04)

Really Bad Ways To Make Tennis At Wimbledon More Exciting

Trick category. There ARE no ways to make Wimbledon more exciting. (MaislosMom@comcast.net; jonboyd@hotmail.com) This might be true...but this is also too easy. Try again.

Your opponent has to give an imprint of their face on your racket if they win! (sis15oktt@aol.com)

Make Dennis Miller a commentator. (williethewonderwaffle@yahoo.com) As if the event wasn't long enough.

Living Net (Bob9514@aol.com)

Miss a shot...do a shot. (cdmauger@aol.com)

Ball explodes after 10th bounce. (dorr@jam.rr.com) Yeah, same here man....

Refs with shotguns. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

Reveal that Serena Williams is really the "late" comedian Cleavon Little after a secret trip to Denmark.... (cmndrnineveh@aol.com) I'm sorry, ain't nothing little about Serena!

Make the competitors play on while the spectators throw their strawberries and cream at them. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

Put big time wrestling fans in the audience. (chharget@aol.com)

Replace net with chain-link fence; replace rackets with folding metal chairs. (jaynashvil@aol.com) And replace John McEnroe with...well, actually, he can stay.

Every time a shot is missed the player missing the shot is shot! (steve_medel@oxy.com)

Give random members of the crowd paintball guns. (stingray678@yahoo.com) To put their strawberries and cream in, no doubt.

Use superballs instead of tennis balls. (Chick65@aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com)

"Game, set and match to Serena Williams...and Lindsay Davenport removes her panties!" (MrglsJon@aol.com)

Award bonus points for hitting opponent with the ball! (robtone247@yahoo.com)

Instead of thirty love....have 'em love thirty. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Make love, not tennis!

Men only play in Speedo's. Women in those fake sumo wrestler suits. (guitartexn@aol.com)

Well, a giant blancmange at center court might do wonders to attract those aging Python fanatics, particularly if it's matched against a Scotsman (HerzogVon@aol.com) Okay okay, stop with the obscure Python references...you know I'm probably going to use them. Again, too easy! You try again, too.

Convert the surface of the court to the "hook" portion of Velcro. (phaartking@yahoo.com; mauibrothers04@yahoo.com)

Take 'love' out of the game. Replace it with 'sex'. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Boundary lines replaced with razor wire. (Truckerex@insightbb.com) No more silly "the ball was IN" discrepancies this way.

Maria Sharapova vs. Anna Kornikova on a mud court. (stan@squidworks.com)

Employ court jesters. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Using live hamsters instead of tennis balls. (buttercup1977@hotmail.com) The really fun part here is watching them play with the two extra ones in their pocket.

For every point lost you must remove 1 string from your racket. (mwatts@nhbakersfield.com)

Grass, clay, AND marbles. (deweyever@attbi.com)

Replace the Chair Umpire at Center Court, with Chris Rock. " You thought that ball was in, I haven't seen anything that far out since the M.O.D. Squad was on TV." (SPTIrish@aol.com)

Game...Set...Munchies!...

Make the contestants smoke grass before they play on it. (Marcwwolf@aol.com; cdmauger@aol.com)

Wow! Who'd be left?

Only let the straight players play. (william.fishburne@verizon.net)