Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 11 Jun 05)

Really Bad Signs Your Wife Has Taken Up Witchcraft
(Topic suggested by NITRAMXXX@aol.com)

She looks a lot like her mother. (bjjtoff@tds.net; archerjoe@hotmail.com)

When you get the flu, she says; "Calling Dr. Bombay calling Dr. Bombay, emergency please come right away!" (MrglsJon@aol.com)

She has developed an irritating high pitch cackle...and not just when you are having sex. (maxcel200@aol.com)

You notice she carved a pentagram into your ass. (amfpsych@aol.com) Observant, huh?

She used to be ENCHANTING...nowadays, she's just into CHANTING. (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

She refers to her pregnancy as "A bun in the coven." (kintzer@hotmail.com)

You begin to notice how much your in-laws resemble Maurice Evans and Agnes Moorehead. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

The "new" pincushion in the sewing basket looks just like me. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com; Airfarcewon@aol.com) That's voodoo - when we get around to doing the voodoo ReBa...then I'll pick this.

The kids just stay in their rooms and quiver occasionally. (seeker@vcoms.net)

Your ideas aren't any better than they used to be, but suddenly you're winning all these huge advertising accounts. (giraffic_art@yahoo.com)

"Welcome home, Honey," changes inexplicably to "Something wicked this way comes." (williemelmoth@aol.com)

Hey, this is my kind of topic. My first wife was a real witch. Ask me anything! (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

"Ribbit, ribbit." (rampage1984@msn.com) But just think how much money a typing frog would fetch on eBay!

Bought three brooms in the past month and the floor's still dirty. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com; e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

When you say there's a frog in your throat, there's really a frog in your throat. (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com)

Your cat wakes her up in the middle of the night for "snuggle time". Oddly, you don't actually own a cat. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

You find ground eye of newt and spider venom in the crisper drawer of your fridge. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com) Eh, maybe you're just married to Martha Stewart or Hilary Clinton...

She's able to make money disappear. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

She tells you that she wants you to pick up a lamb "for the Coven...I mean oven". (phaartking@yahoo.com)

Lately, she's been corresponding by e-mail with two friends named "B.L. Zeebub" and "Lucy Fur". (rod.renner@juno.com)

You find a "Don't even THINK of parking here!" sign in the broom closet. (fishjean@sonic.net)

For your anniversary you send her a candy gram...and she sends you a pentagram. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Her stew has more eye of newt than usual. (casstigator@yahoo.com)

She begins smoking Salems. (phaartking@yahoo.com)

Your last romantic, candlelit dinner also involved a bell and a book. (HerzogVon@aol.com) I'm sure if she looks like Kim Novak, you won't be complaining.

She laughs at the Harry Potter movies saying "That is so fake!" (archerjoe@hotmail.com)

She's dancing naked under the full moon with eight other women from the neighborhood and you are neither invited nor allowed to take pictures. (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

"Well, I can't stop making her breakfast in bed, I love giving her back rubs and I have this uncontrollable urge to take out the trash!" (BRE727@aol.com)

She tells you you are going to 'croak' before the end of the year. (Electronicwaffle@yahoo.com)

She asks me what the hex is going on. (tphyll@aol.com)

Every time you even glance at a woman, you begin to oink. (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com)

She laughs at your Shrunken Head. . . and you are not in the bedroom. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

Your house was "sided" in gingerbread last week. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

Sexy wife that I married disappeared and I keep waking up to some old hag. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com) Yeah...you probably aren't a prize catch, yourself. Side thought I've always wondered about: If Samantha was a witch, how come both Darrins were butt ugly? I mean, wouldn't she have made them look REALLY good. Oh, don't give me that stuff about love being blind...she was a witch, dammit!

Your penis is twice as big... but she keeps it in her purse. (tainsam@aol.com)

Getting really "familiar" lately with the guy next door. (ParisLuvsMe@aol.com)

Refuses to go outside in the rain and gets really upset when you say "What's wrong, afraid you're going to melt?" (astae@paonline.com)

When she says "Not tonight, YOU have a headache"...and you do! (humorbear@aol.com)

After a full day of being on her feet doing housework she sits down for a spell. (maxcel200@aol.com)

Instead of Show and Tell, they have Show and Spell...

She accepts a job as a substitute teacher at a mysterious sounding "Hogwarts School for Wizards." (noveed@yahoo.com)

Hey, dammit...we'll be the judges on funny...don't make me flog you...

She goes to Pier 1 Imports and buys a bunch of WICCA Furniture.... c'mon that's funny. (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com)