Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 11 Mar 04)

Really Bad Messages Left On Martha Stewart's Answering Machine

Martha, it's your mother. Please remember that spoons can be used as knives if you sharpen the handle... (

Hey, Martha ... Rosie here. Should I sell my stocks now? (

Hello, this is Charlie Manson. Can you recommend a neat deboning technique? (

Hi, it's me, George Bush. Thank you for taking all the bad attention off me. ( Don't get so smug there...I'm sure it will be back on in no time.

As long as you're gonna be here, can you decorate my cell for me? (

Your attorney fees are non refundable. (

Ms. Stewart? While in jail, would you like to help manage a humor website? ( Let's consider it 'time served'.

Decorating your cell block, "It's a good thing!" (

At the sound of the beep, please record your message. I'll return your call as soon as I'm finished with the full body cavity search. (

Good thing you've always been a bitch because you're going to be mine soon. (

Hi, Martha...I'm calling from a SELL phone...on my way back from the MARKET DOWNtown...think I'll UNLOAD my trunk...just thought I'd SHARE this with you. ( Poor Martha, not only going to jail, but also condemned to this type of PUNishment.

Can you tell me when Kmart will be having the next Martha Stewart sale? (

Yeah, this is President Bush, I am going to offer you a full pardon if you vote for me. ( Now, if he could only make that offer across 50 states, he might have a shot at the election...

Miss Stewart? You don't know me, but I know that you own a puce BMW. You're not going to use it for the next few years. Can I borrow it? (

"Hi, this is Jerry Springer....." " Hi, this is Geraldo Rivera....." "Hi, this is Montel..." "Hi, this is the producers of "People's Court"....." "Hi, this is......" (

Do you want to renew your subscription to TIME? ( Well, be grateful it's not LIFE.

Hello, thank you for calling. Martha will be on an extended urban sabbatical, sharing her creativty with those less fortunate, so she will not be able to return your call for quite some time.... (

Hey, Martha...did you see what they are saying about you on ( Shush! We don't need her forcing us to clean up around here!!

Don't forget to boil your sentence until it reduces by half. (

The winners:

One thing's for's not cherry...

They're gonna LOVE your "pie" in prison, heh heh heh! (

Ready for the cat fight in the shower scene? (