Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 11 Sep 04)

Really Bad Ways to Psyche Up Your Kids for School

Teach them a great show and tell trick: How to chug an entire 16 oz Dr Pepper and burp the alphabet song. (

Remind them of how much fun it is to make fun of the teachers. (

Put a big poster in your kids' rooms featuring cartoon character "Harry Homework," sporting sunglasses, riding a skateboard with books under his arm, giving a thumbs-up, with a big word balloon saying "Homework is WHERE IT'S AT!" ( Yeah, and then tell them it's staying up if they don't go?

Shut off the A/C for the last two weeks of August. (

"If you promise to go to school every day, I'll unchain you from the toilet." (

Yell "whoohoo" each time you throw a school supply in the shopping cart. ( ...and "D'oh!" when you look at the receipt?

Wear a cheer-leading outfit when you take your teenage son to school and walk him to class. Then say really loud as you leave "Daddy loves you son!" (

Play them the TV commercial where the kids are so excited to get their school supplies. "LOOK A RULER! NOW I CAN MEASURE STUFF!" (

Isn't there a temple to Psyche in Greece? You missed your chance when the Olympics ended. ( You know...had you actually attended would know the answer...instead of asking me. Sheesh!

Get those grades up by mid-term and we'll talk seriously about a laser sight for the revolver. (

Tell them if they don't go to school, they will grow up to be bitter, Viagra-joke hating contest judges on a national humor website. ( For a minute there I thought you were talking about HMO...but then I realized we are technically "international". ;P

"Oh kids, Mom and Dad really want you to stay home with us and help us paint all 7 rooms!" (SIS15OKTT@AOL.COM)

Start a conversation with, "You know, when I was your age..." They'll run. ( Yes, but not necessarily to school.

"You think school's bad? Just wait 'til you have to start to work!" (;

"Hey, Jimmy, look I made you a counterfeit bathroom pass." (

You give them Schooliosis shots. ( Yaaaayyy! School AND shots!

Promise them you'll make your famous homemade liver and onion bagels for the first school party. (

Try to explain Bush's "no child left behind" policy to them. ( Hey, they are still explaining it to Bush...first things first. ;)

Rename the school "Eddie Vedder Middle School".... (

Wave your arms expansively around the trailer (avoid hitting the bowling pin lamp or the "Dogs Playing Poker") and say "All this could be yours!" (

"Hey Jimmy, going so soon? You haven't finished your seventh cup of coffee yet." ( "I am Cornholio!"

Get them in the mindset by taunting them randomly, and throwing bits of gum or fruit salad at the backs of their heads. ( So...technically I've actually been "preparing" my I can tell those child welfare people to leave me the hell alone.

Doubling their medication. (

"There's a six-pack of Coors in the fridge. You can have one when you learn enough about civics to find a loophole in the drinking age law." (

"Pop a B average all year, and I'll buy ya' a Hooker!" ( Yeah, with my luck, it would be T.J, Hooker...

Fruit Roll-ups book covers. (

Try pimping out the Caravan so he looks cool getting dropped off. ( Hey, dammit, I have a huge HMO magnet sign on mine...I be pimpin'...right?

"With all the steroids I've been giving you this summer, this year YOU could be the school bully." (

"Really, honey, drugs are cheaper in the halls than they are on the streets." (

The winners:

Oh, I thought he said "the ATTENTION"...

"Come on kids, you'll LOVE detention!" ( your kids go to Catholic school, huh?...

"Now that you kids will be out of the house more during school, maybe my and Mommy's marriage will work out." (