Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 12 Oct 03)

Really Bad Signs Your Mexican Food Isn't Exactly Authentic

The day after, you're gastrointestinal tract is perfectly fine. (

Salsa turns out to be Ragu Thick and Chunky Spaghetti Sauce. (

You accidentally crack your taco shell and a slip of paper with your fortune and lucky numbers falls out. ( Unfortunately all my lucky numbers are negative.

It can't get a California driver's license. (

When it comes wrapped in paper that says, "Yo Quiero Taco Bell." (

When the label says "Made in Taiwan". (; Mmmm...refried bean eggrolls...

It tastes half decent. (;

The guy at the register smells more like New Jersey than New Mexico. (Ha! That's Alabama joke comeback!) (

Your waitress keeps referring to your beautiful wife as senor and your kids as chalupas. ( And all this time you just thought she was frigid.

There's real beef in your burrito. (

The #2 platter comes with your choice of rice or grits. (

They've substituted Jell-O for beans on all their dishes. ( Do NOT try the bean dip!

You get asked "if you want chips with that, guv'nor". (

The advertisement has the word "authentic" in it somewhere. (

Refried Pork and Beans. ( Yes, having the word "Boston" somewhere on the menu is a surefire sign.

When you find the recipe in the current issue of Martha Stewart's Living. (

Funny, it looked authentic in that Bangkok travel guide. (

The cook is a fat Chinese guy named Dong. ( If I had a penny for all the times I was complimented on my fat Dong....I'd have a penny. Maybe.

"Hey, this isn't guacamole, you just put green food coloring in the mashed potatoes!" (

The winners:

Shots with little umbrellas in the glasses? Bad sign...

Your tequila has a gummy worm in it. (

One of "The Golden Girls"?...

The specialty of the house is named after someone named "Blanche". (