Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 12 Oct 05)

Really Bad Signs A Celebrity Is Messing With You

Hell, if it's Colin Farrell he can "mess" with me all he wants. (

They somehow managed to convince the National Enquirer to stalk you. (

You had the flaming poop left at your doorstep analyzed and, yep....Charlize Theron's! ( Sexiest....poop....EVER.

Paul McCartney keeps asking for my autograph then saying..,"Oh..Never mind. I thought you were Hoyt Axton.." (

You keep getting Instant Messages at work ending with "totally hot" in bright pink letters. (

Pam Anderson asks you to take a boat ride with her. (

The flaming poo bags left at your door have Rodeo Drive store logos. ( But they smell really nice.

There's graffiti on your fence and it's misspelled. (

Tom Cruise declares his undying love for you on some cheesey talk show. [Oh Cad, I wish you wouldn't do celebrity topics. It gives me a sick pain in the gut!] ( Ironically, that pain is ALSO Tom Cruise-related, as he decided to take away your "unnecessary" ulcer pills...

How many times on the phone she says "My names rhymes with tears." (

The recent influx of Scientology spam. ( Much better than all that "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" crap that Regis and his Nigerian cronies send me.

Your house doesn't get egged, it gets Faberge egged. (

Get prank phone calls with heavy breathing, and a voice saying, "Ah'll cahl bock." ( Let's see if I can figure out the hints: ummm, former Hollywood entertainer; went into politics; kinda were stalked by SONNY BONO???!!!??? Geez,'s Fred Grandy...hello??...The Love Boat's "Gopher".

Ed McMahon shows up at your house once a month with a big cardboard check, written in the amount of 'Not a damn thing'. (

The winners:

If you want to get back at him, challenge the guy to a sing-off...

You really don't like my haircut, Mr. Shatner? (

Hey, I don't think that "Skippy" kid from Family Ties was in THAT many movies...

If you take all the first letters from the names of each his movie characters, it spells out the name of the disease that killed your dog. (