Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 13 Apr 04)

Really Bad Signs You Might Be Getting Audited By The IRS

I found a large group of uniformed men barging into my home, handcuffing me, and seizing boxes upon boxes of my documents... oh, wait, I forgot that I used to work for Enron. (

Sudden rush of SPAM concerning bail bondsmen and how to make the most of your time in jail. (

You receive an email from the IRS with the following text: HaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHA ( They were happy...that's a good sign, right?

For years you've been writing off the vet's bill for your pets as medical expenses and now they're asking for a birth certificate for your fourth child, "Rover." (

Someone pulls up into your driveway blaring Willie Nelson tunes from their car. (

You have ever made a George W. joke on any website....ever. ( Fortunately, I've never done this.

You get a package from the IRS that contains a jar of Vaseline and a letter that starts out, "Dear Taxpayer." (

You claimed a financial loss due to wardrobe malfunction. (

The van parked across the street has "Inconspicuous Random Services" printed on the side. (

When your talking parrot tells you..."I told you, you couldn't claim me as a dependent". (

Your 1040's have an expiration date on them. ( Mine just says "NOW!".

You get a letter in the mail saying "I know what you did on your taxes this year". (

That $12,000 handbag you took to court. (

Already getting emails from prospective "pen" pals, if you know what I mean. (

You did your taxes on a napkin at McDonald's at 11:30 pm on April 15th. ( Hmmm...sounds to me you should be getting a refund.

Your next door neighbor is sitting on his front stoop crying when you get home from work. As you approach the front door, you find a pocket protector and a pair of horn-rimmed glasses sitting on your doormat with a note attached that reads, "YOU'RE NEXT!!!" (

You didn't report the "Rats Asses" you been winning on Humormeonline. (

Your accountant moves to Brazil and you know he doesn't even like soccer. (

You come home one day to find that price tags have been stuck to everything you own. (

Lots of players of your online gambling service with email addresses ending in, "IRS.Gov" (

You adjust your income for daylight savings. ( Unfortunately that's the only kind of "savings" I have.

Response to your electronically filed taxes contain "LOL" and "see you in court" instead of a standard confirmation. (

Mail shows up labeled to your address or "Current Inmate". (

You claim the time your business was raided on the show COPS as advertising. ( Bad Biz, Bad Biz, Whatchoo gonna do?

You fired an auditor's nephew. (

You belatedly discover that as lawyer, you get to deduct all your dependents, not your defendants (

The winners:

Hey, some movies on Cinemax are VERY educational...

You write off your cable TV bill as "child care expenses." (

Okay, so if I have $2,000 in bad checks, and Susie has $3,000 in bad checks, how many....wait, let's start over...

You receive a W-9 requesting a 1223 to validate that your 1040-A should not have an ancillary 1624-B despite your entry on line 32. (