Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 13 Jan 03)

Really Bad Signs You May Have Amnesia

You're taking that "Phillip's Milk of..." stuff, but can't seem to remember how it comes out. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

You wake up and can't remember why the girl next to you is wearing a paper bag over her head (until she takes it off). (rsherman@netplexgroup.com)

You are writing angry letters to Steve Case demanding that AOL reinstate your access to Hecklers.com. (Kayvotr@aol.com) Too late, on BOTH counts!

You had to look in your underwear to see if it has your name in them.. and you tell everyone you are named HANES.. (gregparsons68@yahoo.com)

Kissing my mother-in-law and liking it. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM) Then you get those people who wish they had amnesia to blame it on.

Ok, on the count of three, you may start the race! One.....two......two...... Where am I? (Hazeleyes1686@aol.com)

You wake up and don't recognize the person you're in bed with... okay, you could have amnesia or be blonde. I'm not really sure. (okay, bring on the hate mail) (YeIIowRoseOTX@aol.com)

This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! (FreeLooseDirt@sbcglobal.net) Same as it ever was, same as it ever was...

I can't remember my e-mail address. (???@???.com)

You car keys finally turn up--during a chest X-ray. (jaynashvil@aol.com) Better than during a colonoscopy.

You wake up next to an ugly woman with a mustache who says she's your wife, and you can't argue with her. (MooseSpeak@earthlink.net)

When you can't remember all the lines to Happy Birthday. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

Everyone SAYS I finished off that bottle of Jack my boss gave me for Christmas, but I swear, I only remember *opening* it. (TyleredOne@aol.com)

You don't think that the impending war with Iraq has any feeling of déjà vu whatsoever. (WillyTheTunaFish@aol.com)

I sent my HMO entries to CNN.com (dakotadave57104@yahoo.com) Giving a whole new twist to "This just in!"...

You mean I submit smart-aleck, crass comments to some public website with my E-mail address on them? I can't believe that's me. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com)

Let's just say I have a "minty-fresh" bottom, and my smile is 'roid free. (guitartexn@aol.com) Uh...I'll just take your word for it.

Hey this subject isn't funny. Do you know what it's like to wake up in hospital and find out you have an ugly husband and 4 kids? I still think i don't and the ugly redneck just went and picked on an amnesia patient. (kaycorbett@hotmail.com)

You can actually understand the plot of your favorite soap opera. (xflcheerleaders@hotmail.com)

Voting for another Bush seemed like a good idea. (SpinyNorma@aol.com)

Your kids take you to the mall, leave you alone in the crowded section and take polls on who you try to go home with. (STingray678@yahoo.com)

The winners:

Memorable? Maybe not...but no amount of amnesia can ever make me forget those two wasted hours of "Mulholland Dr."...

You have a tattoo on your left hand that says "Remember Memento" and on the right it says "didn't that movie suck". (rangerxman@aol.com)

And of course, with amnesia, comes denial:

Take one look at the driver's license in your wallet and say "That's not me! I'm more handsome than that!" (junkmailmagnet42@aol.com)