Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 13 Oct 04)

Really Bad Signs You Are An Overprotective Parent

You keep them so sheltered no one even realized you had kids. (

You have been home schooling all of your children and have all their spouses picked out. They will all live on the 40 acres of property you own. (

Other parents have two bodyguards for their kids; you have six. ( Oh, yes...I feel with all the unrest in the world, no one should have more than three.

You had an airbag installed on your child's Big Wheel. (

Little Johnny gives you the rundown of "twenty questions" before getting into the car just to make sure it's really you picking him up from school. (

Your kids must wear bicycle helmets while watching TV. ( "High definition", indeed!

You tell the kids to come home before dark... and you live in Barrow, Alaska. (

Your teenage daughter has no dates because you've surgically implanted camcorders on the inside of both of her thighs! (

Duct tape no longer works *ponder* must get out the nail gun. ( Hmmmm *pondering* just where you're putting it...and on whom.

Mom is making me get away from the computer because the radiation could render me sterile, forcing me to never have children, or worse, cause an inoperable brain tumor. (

I made my son wear his helmet and harness to his High School graduation. (

Can't take them to visit the in-laws- you know what they say about Gramma Rays. ( Just don't get Gramma angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry...

I won't let my children read about overprotective would just worry them. (

You hand-sewed, the 100% dye-free, hypoallergenic liner, in little Joey's pocket protector. ( You know, it takes a really crazed mind to think of something this weird...we are proud of you.

Bath time involves more life jackets then toys. (

Your son's rectal thermometer has Internet access so you can "CHECK IN" on him from work. ( Okay, I take back what I said earlier - YOU are the crazed one...but for a whole other reason altogether.

I'm not! Lots of children sleep in the bomb shelter! (

You refuse to let your son get his drivers' license, even though he really does need to get to the gerontologist sometime this week. (

The child's social life consists of A: Home school picnics; B: Church Camp; C: Therapy; or D: ALL OF THE ABOVE (

I had the hamster declawed. ( ....and then served with a white wine?

Every day you hold his hand when he gets on the bus...and he's the driver. (

Your daughter is 25, and you still have a baby monitor in her room. ( Of course, now, it's for a whole other reason...but technically it IS still a baby monitor. ;)

You still haven't taken the bumper pads out of his bed, and he's 14. (

You deny your child's permission slip to go to the marshmallow factory. ( Well, says right on the package "Manufactured on shared equipment with products containing nuts"...I don't want my kid to be around anyone nuts unless they're supervised by ME!

I'm in my 5,378th month of pregnancy. (

The kid in the bubble down the road laughs at your kid. ( This is sooooooo sad....but funny!

The winners:

Anyone else beside me hear a rim-shot setup...

My daughter wasn't allowed to date men until she earned her PhD -- and by then she was too smart. (

Maybe she just wanted a nice jump rope to play with...

She's 12, and the umbilical cord has not yet been cut. (;