Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 15 May 05)

Really Bad Signs Your Bride-To-Be Is About To Bolt

Won't have sex with me, and we're not even married yet. (

If you post only one lame Julia Roberts/Richard Gere post this this one! ('s too lame...minus 10 Rat's Asses to you for even suggesting this.

She took her passport to the rehearsal dinner. (

She's been watching the police scanner for any news about a semi full of Coors trying to get from Texarkana to Georgia in 18 hours accompanied by a black Trans Am with a huge golden screaming chicken on the hood. (

She's a nut and of course she'll bolt. ( Minus 10 Rat's asses for you, too.

The skid marks from her heels on the pavement as you're dragging her to the car. (

I found one of those books she hid titled 'How To Run Away From Home Without A Trace, For Dummies. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM) got anything more conclusive??

Two limos waiting outside....and you only ordered one. (

She sends you an e-mail with a link to the song,"Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover". ( Well, we know how old YOU are now.

She asks you where you're going on the honeymoon. (

Her maid-of-honor is J-Lo. ( And the groom is Ben Affleck? Makes sense to me.

On her wedding registry, all she's asking for is one-way airline tickets. (

Ordered the wedding cake "to go." ( Would you like to Supersize that?

All wedding invitations come printed with, "in the event of rain or cancellation..." (

Nike Bridal shoes. ( Just don't do it?

You noticed she's scribbled "if you can catch me" in the margin of the vows. (

FOX, MSNBC, and CNN cameras at rehearsal dinner. (

She videotaped "The Travel Channel's" "Top Ten Hideaways Your Fiancé Won't Find You." ( The bad part is...they probably HAVE shown this show.

Your bride booked a single's cruise for her/your wedding day. (

It's all in the eyes. ( Make her stop...for the love of God make her stop looking at me!

She starts referring to herself as your "Fleeance" instead of your "Fiancé". (

She makes toast and puts it on eBay to sell! ( Hey...she ended up with enough to pay for the honeymoon, didn't she? Oh...uh...nevermind.

Spends only 22 hours a day planning the wedding. (

She's been studying Merchant Marine traffic schedules. ( The tip-off was that issue of "Semaphore Newsletter of the Sea Power Centre Australia" she nonchalantly left on her nightstand.

When she goes out jogging, she asks if you need anything from Albuquerque. (

She seems intrigued with the Las Vegas slogan, "What happens here, stays here" ( Good thing you didn't try to marry her in New Hampshire...our slogan is "Live Free or Die".

She brought a date to the rehearsal dinner. (

You find a brightly colored afghan in her luggage... ( "...and his name isn't Assad neither." (Insert rim-shot here.)

First time she ever needed a Passport & Visa to visit her mother-----in Newark. (

Tucked into her garter are $1000 in small bills and her passport. ( "Don't be silly,'s just for that "something borrowed and something blue" thing."

Starts smiling again after months. (

The winners:

Didn't I see this one on "Jerry Springer"?...

She saw me without my makeup. (

"Obviously I'll need a head start, honey"...

She insists that for your honeymoon you take the plane and she'll take the Mustang and meet you know, to save money. (