Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 16 Jun 03)

Really Bad Signs You Are Not Getting the Best Cable Reception

Am I supposed to be receiving the security camera from the convenience store down the street? (

You are getting the same show on all of your 152 channels and "It's All Hillary, All The Time!" (

Channel two shows Dick Cheney at his undisclosed location. ( Oh please, please tell me this doesn't look like scrambled porn.

The only cooking shows you get are old McDonald's training films. (

The girl on the Playboy Channel looks suspiciously like Martha Stewart. (

In order to have sex with your girlfriend, you have to tilt your head on an angle and squint. ( Also, twisting her "tint" knobs helps!

When your kids are watching their cartoons the background noise is a combination of "Aww Yeah" and "Harder Baby" (

You can't tell if that's Katie and Matt or Garth and Wayne. (

Well, it'd be OK if the neighbor would quit unhooking me from his line. (

Even standing on the roof wearing nothing but aluminum foil doesn't work. ( Hey speak for yourself...I rather like it.

I keep getting HMO instead of HBO. (GUITARTEXN@AOL.COM)

The dog chews your remote to bits again, and you don't even give a $#it anymore. (

Every football game looks like it's being played in the dead of winter in Green Bay. (

The Anna Nicole Smith Show comes in perfectly clear. ( ...except the dialogue, which is a garbled mess...

The scrambled porn you've been watching turns out to be Emeril stuffing a turkey. (

They didn't install a looks more like a spoon. (

That Russian dominatrix channel isn't listed in the guide anywhere. (

The Spanish channel has Norwegian accents. Yo quero taco, Olaf? ( What do you was the only cable company you could a-fjord.

When someone sneezes in the next room, You're forced to watch Telemundo for 20 minutes. (

It seems like "Poltergeist" has been on every night for a month. (

Some company by the name of Network 23 acquires your local cable company...soon afterwards, Max Headroom begins making random appearances while you're channel surfing. ( Does he still want me to d-d-d-rink C-c-c-oke?

Cher seems to have flawed skin. (

There's nothing wrong with my cable reception. All three channels look great. (

The winners...

Hey, just a guess here, but maybe it's the company...and I don't necessarily mean cable...

You provided free food and beer for the Super Bowl party... and still nobody showed up. (

I like mine sunny-side up:

You watch the Food Network for 20 minutes before you realize you aren't watching scrambled porn. (