Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 16 Jun 03)

Really Bad Signs You Are Not Getting the Best Cable Reception

Am I supposed to be receiving the security camera from the convenience store down the street? (Truckerex@wmconnect.com)

You are getting the same show on all of your 152 channels and "It's All Hillary, All The Time!" (GerriHan65@aol.com)

Channel two shows Dick Cheney at his undisclosed location. (Baitsmotel6@aol.com) Oh please, please tell me this doesn't look like scrambled porn.

The only cooking shows you get are old McDonald's training films. (samuraikc2002@aol.com)

The girl on the Playboy Channel looks suspiciously like Martha Stewart. (daktoadave57104@yahoo.com)

In order to have sex with your girlfriend, you have to tilt your head on an angle and squint. (murdoctor@aol.com) Also, twisting her "tint" knobs helps!

When your kids are watching their cartoons the background noise is a combination of "Aww Yeah" and "Harder Baby" (Bob9514@aol.com)

You can't tell if that's Katie and Matt or Garth and Wayne. (TZMAC@aol.com)

Well, it'd be OK if the neighbor would quit unhooking me from his line. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

Even standing on the roof wearing nothing but aluminum foil doesn't work. (vampspassion@aol.com) Hey speak for yourself...I rather like it.

I keep getting HMO instead of HBO. (GUITARTEXN@AOL.COM)

The dog chews your remote to bits again, and you don't even give a $#it anymore. (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

Every football game looks like it's being played in the dead of winter in Green Bay. (murdoctor@aol.com)

The Anna Nicole Smith Show comes in perfectly clear. (stoneguy@bellsouth.net) ...except the dialogue, which is a garbled mess...

The scrambled porn you've been watching turns out to be Emeril stuffing a turkey. (casstigator@yahoo.com)

They didn't install a dish..it looks more like a spoon. (Baitsmotel6@aol.com)

That Russian dominatrix channel isn't listed in the guide anywhere. (rangerxman@aol.com)

The Spanish channel has Norwegian accents. Yo quero taco, Olaf? (samuraikc2002@aol.com) What do you expect...it was the only cable company you could a-fjord.

When someone sneezes in the next room, You're forced to watch Telemundo for 20 minutes. (KatSut78@aol.com)

It seems like "Poltergeist" has been on every night for a month. (murdoctor@aol.com)

Some company by the name of Network 23 acquires your local cable company...soon afterwards, Max Headroom begins making random appearances while you're channel surfing. (MedCheryl@aol.com) Does he still want me to d-d-d-rink C-c-c-oke?

Cher seems to have flawed skin. (The_PaF@Hotmail.com)

There's nothing wrong with my cable reception. All three channels look great. (Truckerex@wmconnect.com)

The winners...

Hey, just a guess here, but maybe it's the company...and I don't necessarily mean cable...

You provided free food and beer for the Super Bowl party... and still nobody showed up. (Pootybrew@earthlink.net)

I like mine sunny-side up:

You watch the Food Network for 20 minutes before you realize you aren't watching scrambled porn. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com)