Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 17 Dec 05)

Really Bad Signs Your News Anchor Just Isn't Perky Enough

She doesn't annoy me. (

Despite changing his last name to Upupandawaaaaay, he's still often mistaken for Hugh Downs. ( Funny, that's MY nickname at!

Ends each night with, "That's the news this evening. I'm heading for the mothership!" (

They've called in Al Gore to "Spice things up a little" (

You aren't certain that she does, in fact, have teeth. (

Drool on the anchor's copy. ( Or just a half-hour long Listerine Breath Strips be the judge.

This is the same guy who fell asleep during live coverage of Hurricane Katrina. (

Ben Stein is "Mr. Excitement" in comparison. (

Just the fact that as of her last face lift she is talking through her vagina is enough to rule out perky. ( That explains her bad breath problem...

Her segway to Sports and Weather is ..... "and now some other *yawn* crap you might wanna know..." (

Ratings swing up during the Toilet Brush commericials. (

She wears heavy black eye shadow, a spiked dog collar, black nail polish, and signs off the newscast with, "remember, suicide is a perfectly valid alternative." ( "...and that's the way it was."

The empty Percocet prescription in the anchor's dressing room. (

The coffee he is drinking stirs more than he does. (

Broadcasts used by four out of five town dentists as a natural anesthetic. ( Ironically,my new dental headgear works as an antenna whenever I have an appointment.

You remember George Fawcett and James Mason? Well, they aren't nearly as stoic. (Hey, it was your ReBa, remember?) ;) (

Buzzard perched on top of green screen waiting for show to end. (

A tenth of a second passed without her saying anything at all. ( I know what you're all thinking..."When did Cad get a job doing the news?"....just stop it.

Even with HDTV I can't see her nipples. (

The station throws in archival segments of Huntley and Brinkley just to liven things up. (

The winners:

Our top story-newsman puts self to sleep on air!...

It's Ted Koppel's hair and Donald Trump's face. You tell me if that's perky or not. (

But which is older...them or the TV you're watching him on?...

When he's on you have to adjust your TV's horizontal to vertical. (