Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 17 Feb 05)

Really Bad Signs Your Librarian Is Psycho
(Topic suggested by

Keeps hanging about the Robert Bloch section. (;

There's a 20-year continuous service plaque on the wall, but ten years ago she got replaced by a Brad-Paisley-looking guy who kinda resembled her. (

Their favorite Dewey Decimal System category is tattooed on their ass. (

You'd always find her in the abnormal psychology section looking for loopholes. ( Better than looking for fruit loopholes I always say. Okay, dammit...some blurbies are better than others...and some are much much worse.

Keeps insisting your check out "Catcher in the Rye" even though you've read it already. (

The 'HORROR' section is now "THE HORROR, THE HORROR" section. (

Occasionally...from the depths of the hear:! If you look over the shelves at these times, you can see the corner of a book bearing down on an unsuspecting reader just before the towering gush of blood. (

When you want to see a back issue of Playboy she has it stocked outside the building in the "Smutmobile." ( Okay, all together now: "To the SMUTMOBILE!!!!"

She talks to the book checkout scanner. In book checkout scanner language. (

Can't tell you where the Encyclopedia Britannica is, but knows the exact location of every book in the library containing the words "human sacrifice." (

Every time she stamps a new date in your book, you hear an ominous bass bell tolling in the background. (

If you're suspected of using the library PCs to surf Internet porn, she seats you at the computers with the large, painted red "P." ( "Hey, there's no chairs here...what gives?"

You catch him eating microfiche. (

She has given up the "Shisssssssh" for silence substituting with a 12 inch air horn. (

Expects a 10 page book report on anything you check out. ( Come to think about it, she does look a lot like my 4th grade teacher.

You've never actually met the librarian, just her son. She is usually in the back and calls out to him over the creak of her rocking chair. (

Her late fee charge is "one finger". (;

You've seen her at the local sports stadium..cheering her team on with a whisper. ( Wait, wait...someone's sending in entries under AirFarce's name. I can tell because this one's NOT A PUN! ;)

She keeps saying things like: "We don't talk in the library, now Dewey?" ( AirFarce is sending them in under someone ELSE'S name! ;)

More books on serial killers than Presidents. (

You notice her sharpening a library card and making quick cutting motions across her throat occasionally. (

Imposes her own personal death sentence for those who still call it the "libary". (

She has also implemented the Huey and Louie decimal systems. (; Uncle Donald would be soooo proud!

Every time you check out a book,you have to submit three forms of identification, a $50 deposit, and an affidavit swearing you won't read any library materials in the bathroom. (

She refuses to take late fines in anything other than "non-sequential, unmarked, small bills". (

She looks around, then whispers to you quietly, "Your books aren't due until March 8, 3715. Enjoy!" ( As opposed to whispering to you "loudly"??

Every 10 minutes she stands up and screams "I SAID QUIET, ALL OF YOU, NOW!!" And you're the only other person there. (

The Dewey Decimal reference number she gives you always seems to end in "666". (

You walk in wearing corduroys and she asks you to remove your pants if you are going to be walking around. ( Hey, wait...everyone's pantsless...and not everyone was wearing corduroys....hmmmm. Hey......I LIKE the library!

Books cataloged in two categories: Those with Fabio on the cover and those without. (

You ask him/her where the card catalog is, and he/she replies, "This is a *library* not a Hallmark store!" (

She uses a human hand as a bookmark. ( Yeah, I know...she gave me "the finger'.

You get calls every hour on the hour with updated reminders as to how much longer you have before your book is due back. (

If I refuse to go out with her, she swears she'll tell the FBI I've checked out "How to Build a Pipe Bomb" 17 times in the past year. ( Hmmm...debating who's more psycho here.

Every book I try to check out is denied because it's "slated for burning." (

(whispered) "Yes, him. The one eavesdropping on us. We kill him tonight." And there is no-one there. (

The last page has been torn out of every single book in the collection. (

The winners:

Hmmph. without a unicycle, it's hardly a performance...

She asks everyone if they'd like to see her juggle all 32 volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica. (

She even shushed mine a couple times...

She tells the voices in her head to be quiet. (