Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 18 Jul 03)

Really Bad Ways To Get Banned From The Public Beach

Attach leeches all over your body and as you approach the lifeguard, tell him you came to see the sunny leeches. (

Cover yourself in seaweed and crawl out of the ocean moaning horrible agonies. (

Burying yourself to the waist in sand...head first, sans suit ( "Hey, look! A place to hang my towel!"

Fill your raft with mayonnaise, and get down to the beach nice and early, allowing it to ripen and fester all day in the sun. Then at the peak of the crowded time poke holes in it and run around maniacally swirling it in circles above your head. (

How about taking a bag of broken bottles? ( Too easy, try again.

That's what .....10 whales you've pulled out of the ocean and onto the beach ..... (

Row your inflatable dingy 20 yards away from the beach and begin dumping buckets full of fish blood and guts into the water. If anyone asks what you are doing say "Chumming, I hear its the only way to draw the really big ones in." Giggle madly and continue. (

Wear a sign on your swimming trunks that says, "Registered sex offenders need love too". ( Who let Carrot Top onto this beach???

Screaming at your imaginary friend, "Don't forget where you buried the land mine!" (

"No officer, I didn't train my dog to steal their tops... I don't know what got into him." (

Wear an elephant-faced bathing suit with a hole for the trunk. ( Yep, somewhere there's a "you'll show them you're nuts" joke in here.

Set up a karaoke machine up on the beach and only have tunes like "Ice Ice Baby" and "Can't Touch This" (

Put a jellyfish in your pants and ask the lifeguard if she's seen your "tentacles". (

Go around trying to collect fines from sandcastle builders for code violations. (

Dig a really deep hole in the sand, cover it with a towel, throw $5 on top of it... wait for the show to begin. ( That Road Runner still won't fall for it, Mr. Coyote...

Walk around in a military chemical and radiological suit, talking on your cell phone about the "Condition" (

Walking around with a GIANT magnifying glass, and burning people. (

Stick sand up your crack, walk up to a hot chick, put your hands on your hips and twist left and right while saying "Look... I'm a pepper grinder". ( ..."So, Dad, tell me again how you and Mom met at the beach..."

This one takes some advance preparation to pull off, but... name all seven of your kids "Shark" and then call their names repeatedly and frantically whenever any of them nears the water. (

Bring your radio and blast the "Baywatch" theme every time the lifeguard leaves their chair. (

The winners...

This gives new meaning to "high tide"...

Ex-Lax overdose. (

"Hmmmm....maybe I shoulda read the can to see if it was waterproof first..."

Forgoing Speedo's and just using that "hair-in-a-can" spray to simulate a bathing suit. (