Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 18 Mar 04)

Really Bad New Slogans for m&m's Candy

You know what they say about the green ones don't you? (

Melts in your mouth, not in your alimentary canal.... (

A body needs blue food! (

Not just Candy...They're Dandy! And Handy! Tell Randy..and Sandy..and Andy..and Mandy..Pop a few with your brandy.. ( There, there...the nurse will be along any minute now with your shiny happy pills.

They melt in your mouth not in those don't go there. (

Eating m&m's.... as addicting as S&M, but you don't have to hide the welt marks! (

Now with W's and E's. ( Don't forget 3's!

m & m good, m & m good, m&m's candies are m & m good! Oh wait that's soup... (

New black & white m&m's... to fit in with your drab, wretched life. ( Great, I need a candy to remind me...sigh.

m&m's - Not just for marking BINGO cards anymore. (

Now accepted as currency in post-Saddam Iraq! (

m&m Peanut asks, "What wise-cracking little character with one nut do you prefer? If you say Hitler, I'll kick your ass." (

No matter what color they are going in, they all come out the same in the end. (

With our brand new preservatives, m&m's don't melt in your mouth or your hands. ( Nope, they just sit in your belly, waiting for you to sleep! (insert evil laughter)

The perfect thing to suck on. (

It melts in your mouth...and reappears on your fat butt. (

After threats of being sued for racism, we chose to bring all the colors back. Happy now?! (

Just eat me! (

Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists who really need new business. ( ...hey, you'd rather go to an honest dentist, wouldn't you??

Red? Blue? Green? Who gives a crap? They all taste the same, you morons! (

m&m: Sounds like the rapper but with more color and better taste. (

Melts in your mouth, poisons your dog, hypers your kid. ( ...impregnates your wife, crashes Windows, goes joyriding in your car...

It's a candy! It's a sling shot ammo! It's two treats in one! (

m&m's melt in your mouth but get stuck in your nose. ( Recommended by 4 out of 5 Emergency Room doctors...hmmm...sounds familiar.

Black & White m&m's: the official candy of the Republican Party. Coming soon: Democrat m&m's, which try to be every color at once. (

The most colorful choking hazard that you can buy! (

The winners:

My general rule of thumb is to never eat something that sounds like Jon Lovitz...

m&m's & Dr. Pepper: The staple of a healthy breakfast. (

Uh oh...I can see it now...a guy, a camera, eating m&m's for each meal every day for a month...

We rid our candy of that cancerous red dye so that we could focus our full attention on making America's youth grossly obese! (