Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 18 Nov 04)

Really Bad Signs Your Mother-in-law Is Coming To Visit
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The house is getting cleaned, again...for the second time this year! (

You mean besides the bath water running red with all the blood of all the sinners and your children turning into the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? (

Since I'm a bachelor, *any* sign I might have a mother-in-law coming to visit is really bad. (

The guy with "The End Is Near" sign has camped out on your lawn. ( Oh, sorry...that's just ME.

Darth Vader theme music is growing louder. (

Considering the lesser of two evils, you book vacation plans to Iraq. (

Your wife gets the brass spitoon out of the attic (

My windows become possessed. They automatically closed, lock, and nail themselves shut. ( "Man, the real estate here in Amityville, is a steal!"

Your wife renewed your Valium prescription. (;

Your husband picks his underwear off of the floor all by himself. (;

Your spouse hasn't complained about anything you've done for a week. ( Actually it's more like "anything you HAVEN'T done".

Your Chinese fortune cookie says "Big things are headed your way". (

You were watching the police chase on TV, and she just got off at your exit. (

Life was just too good. (;

If the boiling oceans isn't enough then how about the breaking of the seventh seal. ( As long as it's not a baby seal, do what you like to it!

Those ugly urns you got for your wedding are back on the mantle. (

Your wife hides all her thong panties and fills her drawer with sensible undies. (

Your children are begging you to ship them off to military school. ( And they are only 2 and 4.

Your wife is cooking all of your favorites and asks if you want to play "stern principal and the naughty cheerleader". (

My goldfish is cowering inside its little castle. (

The dogs are howling, black clouds are covering the sky, little animals are running for cover and my husband added eye of newt and bat's eye to my shopping list. ( Maybe he's telling you something about your cooking...

Your wife calls reminds you to pick up diapers on the way home... and you don't have any children. (

Wife starts drinking the hard stuff at 5 o'clock... A.M. (

Just like all her other visits the hundreds of flying monkeys land on the patio first. ( Suuure...we go for ages not having any flying monkey references...this time we got two.

Husband took his dog to the veterinarian, and asked him to cut off his dog's tail...didn't want anything in the house to suggest that she is welcome! (

The winners:

You: "Yes, it's now at 'orange'. Her: "'s 'amber', you idiot." "See...I told you, honey, you shoulda married that nice boy, Mrs. Greenberg's son...HE'S a doctor now and they live in a really nice big house up on the hill and take vacations to Europe twice a...."

Homeland Security raises the threat level but only at your apartment. (

And pigs are apparently sprouting wings, too...

The weather prediction is snow in hell. (