Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 19 Dec 03)

Really Bad Ways to Avoid Kissing Someone When You've Been Caught Under the Mistletoe (Topic Suggested by

Just be yourself (sigh). (

As they walk towards you, take a drink from your champagne glass and pretend you swallowed a diamond ring! (

"Mistletoe? Oh, I was looking at your Cameltoe." ( I would insert a crude "kiss" comment probably already did it yourself.

Disposable lighter... mistletoe... sprinklers... fire trucks... get the picture? (

"Did you know that every person I've kissed under the mistletoe dies a horrible death within 24 hours?! Maybe you'll be different!" (

"Sure, Why not?? My trench mouth is nearly cleared up." (

"AAAhhhhh CChhhoooo!!!!" ( Don't ya hate the wet, sloppy kisses?

"Well, okay, but keep in mind, I learned to kiss from my Rottweiler." (

Reveal the explosives strapped around your chest. (

"I'd rather wear nipple rings inside an MRI machine than kiss you." ( Hmmm...I'm kinda torn here...wondering if this isn't some kind of confession.

Carry a can of Raid, then shout with alarm, "Look out, a wasp!" Spray vigorously. (

"Sorry, I would really like to kiss you but... kissing skanks would negate my life insurance policy." (

"B-U-R-R-R-R-R-R-P!" (

Get the drop on her, grab a boob! ( Hey! Who just grabbed me?

Turn to the person and say, "How can they still call them genital warts when they are in my mouth?" (

Start humming "Lola". (

Look I am 32, single, and fat. I no longer make excuses. I'm desperate. (

"Unreal! Miss Cleo told me I'd meet my next husband under the mistletoe!" ( Yep, I bet this one works real good.

Ask her, 'Do you only kiss boys you really like, or are you just another cheap slut like my last girlfriend, God rest her soul.' (

Eat onion & garlic chili dogs for lunch, leaving a dribble of yellow mustard hanging from the corner of your mouth. (

Pretend you lost your lips in The War. ( "I'b a vetewan, dabbit!"

"You wouldn't be interested. I have a really small pucker." (

Turn your back, wrap your arms around yourself, and make kissing sounds. (

"Sorry. The whole Madonna-Britney thing has put me off kissing." (

The winners:

"'re waiting, TOO??"...

"I really admire your bravery in wanting to kiss me before the lab results come back." (

Someone's on the "naughty list" for a loooong time...

Quickly grab the mistletoe and hold it right above your crotch. Smile deviously. (