Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 19 Jul 05)

Really Bad Ways To Impress People With Your Mental Prowess

By reciting the names and birthplaces of every American president since the Reagan Administration. (DaJakAiss@optonline.net)

Answering every question right while watching Jeopardy! Kids' Week. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Reciting lines from any Rob Schneider movie. (astae@paonline.com) Does it count if the quote is, "You can do it!!!" from all those Adam Sandler films he had cameos in?

Use the power of your mind to bend a paper. (dart270@geocities.com)

Tell them that you know EXACTLY how many boogers there are in your left nostril, and then to prove it, pick them out one by one. (Lovepeaceguy68@aol.com)

You say everything in the form of a question... (fishjean@sonic.net) What??

Creating an Email list, then sending out every entry of mine that 'makes it' on HumorMeOnline.com ... Oh, I already do this :-) (RasGold@aol.com)

Wearing your MENSA card in an ID holder clipped to your shirt pocket. (Phaartking@yahoo.com)

"Hey ya'll. Lookit this! I can move shit with my mind!" (Crushes beer can on head.) (bhsmrtgrrl@yahoo.com)

"Watch, if I stare at your breasts long enough, I promise they'll increase at least 1 cup size!" (BRE727@aol.com) That'd be great, if I wasn't a guy…

Praising Orson Welles for his great work in "Casino Royale"... (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

You calculated everyone's BMI in your head while walking back from lunch then posted them on the company bulletin board. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

"I can spell BMW, and I don't even speak German!" (Skibip@aol.com)

Always give the correct spelling of big words after you say them. (Eleman8859@aol.com) You know, I think I used to date this guy.

Yes sir, I meant to be here on time and really would like to work for your accounting firm, but unfortunately I pressed 2 on the elevator on my way up instead of 5 (I get the two mixed up sometimes) so I pressed 3 to make up the difference. I waited for 20 minutes until eventually someone else ended up taking the elevator to your floor. Which is why I'm late. (atwright73@yahoo.com)

Prove that nudity is a constitutional right--the Fourth Amendment give us the right to bare arms (and presumably other body parts as well). (tphyll@aol.com)

Start sentences with "Youse" or "Ya'll" (parlansharvest@yahoo.com)

Brag about how it only took you 45 minutes to complete the Junior Jumble. (tpanner@inorbit.com)

You dangle your participles--but only after a few drinks. (jaynashvil@aol.com) Avert your eyes!!! It's like staring directly into the sun!!!

I'll tell you how I impress people with my mental prowess right after I look up "prowess" in the dictionary. (jnmcda0@yahoo.com; NoWaxMeFunFeets@aol.com)

Say things like "Einstein? Bah! He called it the Theory of Relativity because he couldn't come up with a straight answer!" (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com)

Tell them all about your Darwin Award. (imwednesdayaddams@yahoo.com) This I'd like to see...considering you'd have to be DEAD!

Insisting that Gramma makes the best Apple 3.14's ever.. (thedraugr@yahoo.com)

When the earth is doomed and they are looking for someone has to go into space on a suicide mission to destroy an approaching comet… that’s no time to say “I know what to do…. Just keep your mouth shut and let them send bad actors. (fparsons@yahoo.com)

Trying to hire Stephen Hawkins to wheel next to you in public while you are wearing an 'I'm with Stupid <----' t-shirt. (thedraugr@yahoo.com) Hawking...Hawking...sheesh...impressive, alright. ;P

Explain what the definition of "is" is. (tphyll@aol.com)

The winners:

Well, I'm still concentrating on why I'm upside down on one side and right side up on the other...

Use your mind to keep a spoon straight. (seoptimize@comcast.net)

All right, hold on, I need to fetch my Texas Instruments calendar...

Think of a number between 1 and 3. (dorr@jam.rr.com; guitartexn@aol.com)