Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(updated 19 Jun 03)

Really Bad Signs Your Local Newscaster Is Wacko

Has had the same hairstyle since the 60's, the 1860's. (

When they cut to her for today's headlines, she has a dress hooked over her ears and lipstick on her forehead and she begins, "In today's news, that damn gopher in my brain has decided to become a transvestite." (

He overdubs the field footage with his own improvised audio sound effects. ( Here's a tip: NEVER hire a guy who puts the "Police Academy" films on his resume.

On a trip to the Birmingham zoo, newscaster Bob proceeded to beat the living hell out of a giraffe claiming "he started it". (

Co-anchor is his fist with a face drawn on. (

Our local newscaster used to be Jerry Springer...seriously. ( Okay, this will get you one sympathy pick.

Drops his pants, moons the co-anchor, and says "BACK to you, Debra." (

In his exclusive report, "Traveling with the Troops in Iraq," he's shown driving his riding lawn mower around the kids' sandbox. (

While his female co-anchor is reading a story, he's leaning back slightly and rolling his eyes to the side trying to look down the front of her blouse. ( Gee, I just thought he was having a seizure!

"A mad man has been reported to take control of all the TV channels, broadcasting nothing but himself in all the available channels" *click* "A mad man has been reported to take control..." *click* "A mad man has been..." *CLICK* "A mad man..." (

He does "point counterpoint" editorials with Stinky the sock puppet. (

On location expose of whorehouse in its 22nd week. ( Was he working "undercovers"?

The anchorman's trademark sign-off is "That's the news, I'm heading back to the Mother Ship." (

His role model? Ted Baxter! ( Phew, I was afraid it was going to be Les Nessman.

"Well, France suffered from a severe accident this week, but hey, who cares, they're French!" (

Tonight 10 people are dead but I have good news... I just saved money on my insurance by switching to GEICO!! ( Hmmmm....this sounds vaguely familiar.

Keeps a "killed and wounded" scoreboard behind him. (

The winners:

Hairpieces come in "plaid"??...

His hairpiece matches his suit. (

But is he Grimacing when saying this?...

When discussing politics, he mentions his support for Mayor McCheese. (