Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 19 Sep 04)

Really Bad Fine Print on Your Life Insurance Policy

Okay, okay...did I miss something here...I could understand one entry referring to "one baby zebra"...but TWO???...

It's only valid if you get a black eye as a result of stampeding wild elephants on the Fourth of July during a hail storm, followed by one baby zebra. (

Will only be paid if injury happens on July 4th between 3:55 and 4:00 pm, during a hail storm, and caused by a herd of stampeding elephants with one baby zebra. ( ... you know...the more I think about it...the more I have to say this is completely daffy - only someone completely looney would agree to this policy.

Then we have this entry, which...well, makes an interesting I'm curious about this now as well...

I was just wondering if they made fine print in Braille. (

Now on to the "real" list...

Your signature on this document negates the terms within. (

All moneys will be awarded in the form of McDonald's gift certificates. (RasGold@coxnet)

They'll pay you, but in Confederate money. ( Hey, I think those are still good here in Alabama.

Made at Kinko's (

Actual burial consists of rope, rocks, and the river. (

Loss of one leg--10 bucks, loss of two legs--50 bucks--loss of three legs 10,000 bucks. ( Realizing that you mistook a horse for your spouse: Priceless.

...excludes acts of God, man, and nature... (;

The policy is paid by check, placed in your coffin at burial. ( Yeah yeah...we've all heard that joke.

It's not Metropolitan Life, it's Metrosexual Life. (

Warning: trying to figure out what this means may cause drowsiness and boredom. ( Good thing I'm not operating any heavy machinery.

If death is published as part of any "Weird News", "Darwin Award", humor or HMO website, all monies are forfeit. (

All potential claims are void where prohibited before, during and not limited to after inclusive notwithstanding execution of said document concerning any individual on being under claimant status thus pursuant to the first party of the second party consistent with existing state laws and regulations as hereby stated up to and including all retraction of all benefits. ('re an agent, right?

"Should death of the insured result from long-distance rifle-fire at the hands of an unknown assassin, all claims for benefits under the terms of this policy shall revert to The Company." (

For this policy to be in effect, applicant must first "Get a Life" ( That's an awful lot of ineffective policies...

"The Company must be notified within 24 hours prior to death or policy is void." (;

Payment made directly to the Dick Clark facial conservancy. ( ...followed by this addendum..." addition, your soul becomes property of Satan (heretofore known as "The Company"). (

Upon the death of the insured, the roles shall be reversed. The beneficiary shall pay us a lump sum of $500,000 and we shall reciprocate by paying them $35/mo for ten years. (

Thank you for helping fund the Taliban Terrorists Network! ( Sheesh...undoubtedly another rival network for FOX to rip off.

If we can't find the body...we can't find a reason to pay you. (

"...and the entire payoff amount will be rendered through one PowerBall ticket, which The Company is confident will 'come through' for you." ( So, you are the senior partner in that "Deweyever, Cheathem and Howe" firm, huh?

Payable once your loved ones sell your body to science...good luck and don't drink too much- remember, the best givers have the best livers. (

The winners:

Those crafty lawyers...they can always find a loophole...

They won't pay out if fundamental Christians or Buddhists die because, technically, you're 'BORN AGAIN'! (

Well, the dead have to pass the time somehow...

The insured must undergo a physical exam to confirm they are deceased and answer a questionnaire to explain the cause of death. (