Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 1 Apr 04)

Really Bad Signs You May Not Remember Everything That Happened at the Bar Last Night
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Three sets of chewed off arms in your bed. (

You wake up the next morning lying naked in a field 10 miles from your house and your mom calls you when you get home to say she found your clothes on her roof. (Not that I would know anything about that) (

A green furry thing with your door key keeps showing up in the fridge. (

Your new wife, Brittany Spears, sends you paperwork requesting an annulment. ( Hey, look on the bright side...there's always a reality show deal in the works for you.

You awake to the sound of a horde of homeless men clapping wildly. (

All you remember is that you came home real horny, now the wife is gone and the dog has a strange waddle to its walk. (

You most definitely don't remember going home with Godzilla. (

You wonder how your panties wound up on the moose's antlers. ( ...on a 'very special' episode of "Northern Exposure".

You wake up with some gap-toothed redhead who can't remember everything that happened either. (

You wake up to the sound of the police kicking in your door...and it goes downhill from there. ( Does it usually go uphill from there??

Your car keys are missing, but a napkin-scrawled contract and the keys to a broken down sloop are in your pocket. (

"Honey, how did this used prophylactic get in the blender?" ( And why is there some guy on our front lawn, clutching his crotch and howling?

You can't explain neither the extra $500 in your wallet, nor that funny taste in your mouth. (

What do you mean I have a wife? (

You wake up wearing cleaner underwear than what you started with. ( Just the fact that I woke up wearing ANY is mighty suspicious!

There is a copy of "Pornstar's Release Form", signed by you, laying on your night stand. (

Lipstick and Skoal on your collar. ( Hopefully not from the same woman. ;)

You have "Queen " tattooed on your ass, and you really didn't like that group. (

The winners:

You know, I'm still worried about a time back in '78...damn I'm old...

Last night? Hell, I'm still worried about Senior Week. In 1995. (

"As seen on Jerry Springer"...

You find a poster with your picture on it, proclaiming you to be Mazimba, the World's Most Fabulous Drag Queen. (