Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 1 Feb 05)

Really Bad Ways To Find Out What Is Under A Scot's Kilt
(Topic suggested by william.fishburne@verizon.net)

Say to him, with a wink, "Och, and I'm sure yer hiding the Loch Ness Monster under yer kilt just waitin' for a wee lassie like me to find it, are ye?" (ukkfayooyay@aol.com)

The "braille" method. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

Marry him. (SOMEONE has to send in a marriage-related entry.) (dart270@geocities.com; old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) Ha! No points for you!

Yell: "Hey, Scot! What's under yer kilt?" (RasGold@aol.com)

Unfortunate placement of the Precision Leaf Blower Squad behind the MacClallan Pipe and Drum Corps in the New Year's parade. (spamalope@access4less.net)

Order those "X-Ray glasses" they advertise in the back of magazines. (dart270@geocities.com)

Rolling quarters down McTavish Street and watching the guys chase and bend over to pick them up. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com) Coming soon to a theatre near you..."Nightmare of McTavish Street"!

Obtain airport security position in Edinburgh (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Get him to wade in the snapping tortoise pond! (jdcoops3@aol.com)

Learn to scuba, then offer glass-bottom boat "Search for the Loch Ness Monster" tours. (seeker@vcoms.net; kamasushi@aol.com) Two of you coming up with this one?? Talk about a government conspiracy.

Take him to the same updraft area in Marilyn Monroe's movie, "Seven Year Itch." (humorbear@aol.com; pat123z@aol.com; a bunch others)

Ask an Irishman. (atwright73@yahoo.com) Oooh, let the mudslinging begin!!

Ask him what he thinks of the English. (ListenBucko@yahoo.com)

Ask if you can play his "bagpipes". (grumpchong@aol.com) Just don't forget to ask with a sheepish grin on your face. ;)

While you are in the "inflatable pub" you punch a hole in his bar stool. (humorbear@aol.com)

Ask him if that's a caber, or if he's just happy to see you. ( Hoot, mon! ) (HerzogVon@aol.com) A very bad case of "morning wood"...

Go to a bar in Glasgow..buy a Scotchman a drink..and say, "Bottom's Up!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

Look under Kilts..in the dictionary. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) Okay...this is again our unofficial pun winner this year. Yeah I know - I never announced a winner last year. There's a reason for that. This just might be that reason.

Tell him it will only take a minute but you're from the Kilt factory and they forgot to Scotchguard the inside. (maxcel200@aol.com) Uh...no, I rescind that previous comment above.

This topic may lead to significant public safety concerns since many of these men are natural born kilters. (comedian2000@hotmail.com) Okay - maybe this one beats the other two.

Check his shoes...for dandruff ! (sheafitz1@netscape.com)

Claim boldly, at a fair in Glasgow, that you can guess anyone's inseam to the nearest quarter-inch, and then dare anyone to prove you wrong. (sootnmoopy@aol.com) This sounds like you've done it before...you are scaring me now.

Two simple steps: 1. Hit Scot over the head with a lead pipe. 2. Look. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

Leaf blower.. (or is that a ReBa job on a Viking cruise liner?) (mwatts@nhtrico.com) Look, we do the friggin' topics here dammit...no unfair set-ups.

Patent leather shoes really DO reflect up! (mimsydivine@earthlink.net)

The winners:

And for the fun of it...put it up there off-kilter...(yeah I had to do it)...

Put a bottle of whiskey up a tree. (robertellingsworth@yahoo.com)

Reading all of these just about kilt me...

Organize a friendly game of kilt Keep Away. (tpanner@inorbit.com)