Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 1 Jul 05)

Really Bad Signs You Joined the Wrong Gym

Exercycle has cheese and dip tray. (

They only sell the giant, ECONOMY size athlete's foot powder at the sign in desk. (

It's run by midgets and clowns in a big sawdust ring. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

Sign outside: "240 Dollars An Hour" Fitness. ( Or you could just buy this machine...The 4-Minute CrossTrainer ©

The gym is really small,with many skylights and, someone is on the roof proclaiming to be "King of the mountain." (

Aerobics tapes consists of the ones listed on the "ReBa Titles For Aerobics Tapes" list (anyone remember that?). (

Everyone is waaay younger, and a man who calls himself "the principal" keeps threatening to have you arrested. ( Wow! You joined Michael Jackson's health club?

You wind up having to go to the VD clinic after riding the stationary bike. (

The "Abandon all hope yea who enter here" sign over the front door. (

You notice whips and chains hanging in the men's shower room and your personal trainer is wearing assless leather chaps. ( Not to be confused with the uber popular "assed" chaps.

The StairMaster machine is a step ladder. (

The latest in exercise equipment...some assembly required. (

I finally got into the yoga class with the gorgeous babes in tights, and I'm in too much pain to appreciate them. ( But on the bright side, you're now the only person among your friends who can do "pretzel" at charades.

Your personal trainer thinks cardio is a game you play after taking the Jokers out of the deck. (

The men in the locker room are slapping each other on the ass, and there's not a towel to be seen. (

All the female members are former Phys. Ed. majors. (

Sauna has a roasting spit inside. ( The ones here in Alabama just have tobacco spit.

The steroid vending machine in the lobby. (

These people expect you to sweat. Can you imagine that? (

The gym itself is tiny, but they have huge showers. (

For every pound you lose, you get a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. ( You are what you eat? Guess I better avoid the Chunky Monkey….

All the lights are wired to generators on the exercycles. (;

The place is called "Slim Gyms" and they treat you like a piece of meat. (

The membership kit includes coupons for the local chiropractor and orthopedic surgeon. (

You notice Resistance Bands on the La-Z-Boy's reclining arm. (

No one will show you how to use the kegel machine. ( "Feel the burn"...uh...on second thought, better see a doctor if you do.

The papers you signed said "US Army Recruitment" on them. (

The winners:

Hey, who am I to argue...he's got that signed degree in Gymology from Sally Struthers and all...

According to your instructor, carrying his groceries to his apartment via stairs is better than "time on a lame-assed treadmill". (

Think of them as punching bags….lumpy, smelly, gross punching bags...

The body bags stacked in the corner. (