Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 1 Jul 05)

Really Bad Signs You Joined the Wrong Gym

Exercycle has cheese and dip tray. (maxcel200@aol.com)

They only sell the giant, ECONOMY size athlete's foot powder at the sign in desk. (cmndrnineveh@aol.com)

It's run by midgets and clowns in a big sawdust ring. (NITRAMXXX@AOL.COM)

Sign outside: "240 Dollars An Hour" Fitness. (ldolphin34@hotmail.com) Or you could just buy this machine...The 4-Minute CrossTrainer ©

The gym is really small,with many skylights and, someone is on the roof proclaiming to be "King of the mountain." (Electronicwaffle@yahoo.com)

Aerobics tapes consists of the ones listed on the "ReBa Titles For Aerobics Tapes" list (anyone remember that?). (candaceelder2002@yahoo.com)

Everyone is waaay younger, and a man who calls himself "the principal" keeps threatening to have you arrested. (lacee7700@aol.com) Wow! You joined Michael Jackson's health club?

You wind up having to go to the VD clinic after riding the stationary bike. (watch4whales@yahoo.com)

The "Abandon all hope yea who enter here" sign over the front door. (topsquark@yahoo.com)

You notice whips and chains hanging in the men's shower room and your personal trainer is wearing assless leather chaps. (mikepena@verizon.net) Not to be confused with the uber popular "assed" chaps.

The StairMaster machine is a step ladder. (tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

The latest in exercise equipment...some assembly required. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

I finally got into the yoga class with the gorgeous babes in tights, and I'm in too much pain to appreciate them. (GrigsbyOK@hotmail.com) But on the bright side, you're now the only person among your friends who can do "pretzel" at charades.

Your personal trainer thinks cardio is a game you play after taking the Jokers out of the deck. (Jdoveraz@aol.com)

The men in the locker room are slapping each other on the ass, and there's not a towel to be seen. (Pmacca01@yahoo.co.uk)

All the female members are former Phys. Ed. majors. (HerzogVon@aol.com)

Sauna has a roasting spit inside. (candaceelder2002@yahoo.com) The ones here in Alabama just have tobacco spit.

The steroid vending machine in the lobby. (richdiandkids@optonline.net)

These people expect you to sweat. Can you imagine that? (WJKbase@aol.com)

The gym itself is tiny, but they have huge showers. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com)

For every pound you lose, you get a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. (Airfarcewon@aol.com) You are what you eat? Guess I better avoid the Chunky Monkey….

All the lights are wired to generators on the exercycles. (mashallaha@aol.com; tygrkhat40@yahoo.com)

The place is called "Slim Gyms" and they treat you like a piece of meat. (mashallaha@aol.com)

The membership kit includes coupons for the local chiropractor and orthopedic surgeon. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)

You notice Resistance Bands on the La-Z-Boy's reclining arm. (atwright73@yahoo.com)

No one will show you how to use the kegel machine. (old.curmudgeon@hmoforum.com) "Feel the burn"...uh...on second thought, better see a doctor if you do.

The papers you signed said "US Army Recruitment" on them. (e-marlon@sio.midco.net)

The winners:

Hey, who am I to argue...he's got that signed degree in Gymology from Sally Struthers and all...

According to your instructor, carrying his groceries to his apartment via stairs is better than "time on a lame-assed treadmill". (candaceelder2002@yahoo.com)

Think of them as punching bags….lumpy, smelly, gross punching bags...

The body bags stacked in the corner. (Pootybrew@goosemoose.com)