Banter provided by Cad and Leis

(Updated 20 Jan 06)

Really Bad Signs You're Not As Intimidating As You Think You Are

Your girlfriend always carries an extra $100 with her so she can buy your way out of fights. (DLivermore2002@yahoo.com)

You go hunting and deer taunt you by painting bull-eyes on their rumps. (maxcel200@aol.com)

The 3rd graders beat you senseless with a boulder, stabbed you with scissors, and shoved scraps down your throat when they beat you at "Rock, Paper, Scissors"! (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

Teenage boys keep greeting you with "Oh, hello, Mr. Asshole!" (cmndrnineveh@aol.com) Oh this is just TOO easy..."insert" your own joke here.

CPA'S pick fights with you in bars. (monacof@bellsouth.net)

You couldn't even punch out a timecard. (edprocoat@msn.com)

Butterflies scare the hell out of me. (NITRAMXXX@aol.com) Especially the Madame ones....yikes!!

They look at my pink fuzzy slippers and laugh. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

The kitten starts purring when you try and rough it up. (master_of_luv@hotmail.com)

You hear the phrase "you and whose army?" at least once a week. (holtbolt@comcast.net)

You're 45 years old and your mother still beats you with a slipper. (Eleman8859@aol.com) Um...pink and fuzzy?

The express lane at the grocery store boots you out of line for buying a 12-pack. (paracletus3@earthlink.net)

You're presiding over Saddam's trial (see, the Iraqi judge there has lost control and Saddam pretty much says and does what he wants...oh, never mind). (Jdoveraz@aol.com)

Your tough tattoos have stretched and sagged and now look more like Smurfs. (archerjoe@hotmail.com) As long as they aren't those dang rip-offs, the "Snorks", I'm good to go.

Your big gun retaliatory exclamation is "Bite Me!" (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

I'll make you an offer you might refuse, but if you do, we can negotiate, okay? (cdmauger@aol.com)

I THOUGHT I was genuinely intimidating. Then I read this: http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm ...I scored 90% of them :( (kmurphyshelton@netscape.net) Hey...did you know HMO has a forum? Oh...c'mon you can take it!

You hear yourself say the following: "If you don't stop that, I'm going to take my Koosh Ball and Shove It Where The Sun Don't Shine!" (atwright73@yahoo.com)

Even the band geeks steal your lunch money. (Jdoveraz@aol.com)

Most of the guys I've challenged to a fight have died. Laughing. (strontium901@juno.com) This made me chuckle. Uh oh. (Clutches heart, falls on floor.)

YOU SEND ALL YOUR E-MAIL MESSAGES USING LOWER CASE LETTERS. (tphyll@aol.com)

The elderly Chinese gent you and your cronies are harassing looks oddly nonplussed and takes a crane stance. (SSJskittle@gmail.com) Hell, I find it intimidating that you used the word "nonplussed".

SHUT UP, BIAATCHHH!!!... Dude I swear, I was this close to saying that... And then I realized it was a pivotal point in the movie. "The French Lieutenant's Woman"...is moving. (mitchwatts@yahoo.com)

The tattoos covering your body you applied with your own spit and hand pressure. (davidgotribe@aol.com)

You have a "My Little Pony" collection on your desk at work. (Cantw82paint@Aol.com)

When you threaten to knock your child into next week if he doesn't do his homework, and he says "Great Dad!!! My homework is due tomorrow. So I guess that would make doing my homework tonight academic, wouldn't it?" (dennisilvr@aol.com) Geez...don't you hate it when your kids ALWAYS have a better point than you do?

You yell "Talk to the Hand!" and people yell back "Aww, look at his cute little hand!" (holtbolt@comcast.net)

They send a 72 year-old to spot for you during your workout. (jdcoops3@aol.com)

The only time you can sneer is when you pass gas. (Airfarcewon@aol.com)

The winners:

Bad thing is you aren't intimidating...but you are diabetic...

$326 worth of Girl Scout cookies again this year. (L1061S@go.com)

Rocky Balboa, you sure ain't...

When I start a fist fight, I always say "Let me know if this hurts too much." (LouMizzou@yahoo.com)